Falling Apart fo Forgiveness

Forgiveness. You here about it all the time. Seemingly from everyone all around you. They say that it is something that needs to be done all the time. God forgives us daily of all the things that we do and we should forgive others of there trespasses against us or something like that. I have been told that if people would forgive each other, that could solve a lot of problems. Now I am not saying that it couldn't but it is easier said than done and I am not going to get into some debate on my blog about it either.

Forgiveness is easier said then done. I have heard all the talk, you know that since I listed it above...haha...anyway, for me it has always been easier said than done. I am not one that is quick to forgive. Never have been and never thought that I would be. I say that I forgive people but then I tend to hold onto it and hide the fact that I do. Not just for a little while but for a long ass time. I hold onto things until it is too hard to forgive and by that time it is to late because it has become a part of me and to let go of it would hurt me in some way more than the original act, that caused the anger, did. Its not the act that I hold onto but the anger that has been given to me by the act. That anger has made me strong and to let go of it is going to make me weak. I have had issuse with being weak. I don't like to feel that way, helpless. That is why I tend to hold onto anger about little, stupid, pointless things. For me unforgiveness has made me selfish. I hold onto the anger to "help" me and to make myself stronger and I don't care who I hurt in the process. I am not sure why I thought that anger made me strong. I said that letting go of the anger would hurt me more than it would help me, which means that it has really been hurting me all along. All the people over my life that have hurt me are nothing compared to the hurt that I have done myself by hanging onto all the anger that I have. It has taken me seventeen years to figure that out. I believe that seventeen years ago is when all my anger issues started. How can that be Alyssa, you were three?? If you know me you would know that my parents got divorced when I was three. Even though I was little and didn't understand what was going on around me, anger crept in and was waiting for me. I have been angry at my dad for leaving all my life and I have been angry at my mom to some degree and I was mad at my step-dad for coming in and closing the door for my dad to ever come back, I was just mad at the world. But to what end is that going to fix anything? It only stresses realationships and makes things difficult and hurts all the parties involved. I have had anger issuses all of my life and have learned how to keep them under control but, I don't just want them to be under control anymore, I want them to go away. Far away. I said that unforgiveness is what has lead me to be angry. Holding onto that anger has made me strong. The truth is that anger has made me weak and crippled me to the point of thinking that I can't let it go without falling apart. It has given me a hard heart that now has beome to heavy to carry anymore. I have to forgive my dad for leaving, I have to forgive my mom for whatever it was that she did in the first place to make me angry, and I have to forgive my step-dad for not doing really anything. I have to forgive all the hurt in my life if I want to move on with my life. And maybe I need to fall apart since I seem like I have everything together. Maybe making a new foundation is better than filling in the cracks with something that is only going to sent them deeper and make them wider.

Things that have recently happened to me have taught me this. I thought that it was stupid to forgive things quickly, only becasue I never have. I am trying to understand how I am able to be quick to forgive but have to say that I really don't becasue I never have really forgiven many things in my life. I mean I have but only after many years and through lots of prayer.

Don't harden your heart.
I won't because a hard heart is to heavy.

(Forgive me if I rambled, I write how I think and I tend to ramble to myself a lot...)

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon (you should check them out...just sayin)

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see
painted faces fill the places i can't reach

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

off in the night,
while you live it up, i'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

i hope it's gonna make you notice
i hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me

go and let it out
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see

Untitleable

Forget what you have seen and forget what you have heard. Things can fall out from under you and change the course of everything. Causing you to fall and hit the ground that you forgot was there. You crash you burn. You don't feel like yourself because you have changed so radically while you were up wherever you fell from. Nothing seems the same. There is a part of you that was brought out by this radical change that you want deeply to embrace. But is hard to embrace that change when you can't seem to find that thing or that side of you that comes out of you, when you can't seem to find where you keep that part of you. You keep it somewhere, where no one could find it. But incidentally you can't seem to find it either after it has been hidden. You begin to realize that you need someone else to help you find that part of you that you long so deeply to embrace. You are not sure why it is hidden to where you can't find it alone but maybe it has something to do with being hurt in the past. Being hurt makes you hide things so that you can't even find them because you don't want people to see that so they can't hurt you again or so no one else can hurt that part of you. You want to make yourself invulnerable. I think it makes you do that, hide things very well that is, because you want that person to come along that is willing to help you find those things and is honestly surprised that those things, about you, are there. But then you are stuck hiding and waiting.

...and thats the problem

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way I listen.

I hate the way you drive me crazy,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your dumb black dress shoes

and the way you can read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me crazy,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way I always know your right,

I hate it when you leave.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close,

not even a little bit,

not even at all.

...and thats the problem.

My newest video...God's Plumbline Promotion...haha

Dear Lord Baby Jesus...

So I have learned as of late that things get hard when you aren't praying or reading your bible. Thigs creep in that you didn't realize were there. I seem to become a little paranoid about some things. I begin to think that God doesn't hear what I say. That he doesn't see me when I cry. That he doesn't feel it when I hurt. That he doesn't care to hear me, care to wipe away my tears and that he doesn't care that I hurt. Well coming off of feeling that way you realize that God is dealing with something inside of you that you have repressed. Thats that conclusion that I have come to anyway. I have so many things that I have repressed and made go away. They really didn't go away. They just sat there and got bigger and meaner and they are ready when I am weak. They rear their ugly heads when I have stopped reading my Bible and spending time with God. They know that if they hit me then that I will not be ready and they can hurt me. And let me tell you they hit you where you are insecure. There are a couple of things in my life right now that I am feeling insecure about. I am sure it is mainly due to lack of good communication but I am not sure and that is where they hit me. My doubt. Making me assume the worst about the good things in my life. The great and wonderful things that have happened to me as of late. There is something that doesn't want me to do these things. Considering that I need my car to do them, my car has been temporarialy put out of order. First I got in a accident...easily fixed. Thanks pop!! Then yesterday my transmission began to slip and has been for awhile apparently. Without a car, I can't work. Without a car, I can't go anywhere. Well I flipped yesterday. I cried harder than I have cried in a long time and just needed someone to hug me and hold me and tell me that it was going to be ok. Of course anyone that would do that for me happens to not be in this country right now. But I really love my mommy so I called her yesterday and told her what happened and she told me that she would have my step-dad call and put the inssurance on their car so that I can use it until they get here. I know right!! I really love my mom. She is pretty great. Now I can work and go do the things that i want to do!! I was so happy and I cried even harder. But there are still other things that need to be taken care of and I intend to do that but while I am reading my bible and walking with God. Cause we all know that I trip a lot over flat surfaces but without him I would fall flat on my face every time I tripped.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With The Best Intentions

Picture a man that is well spoken, charismatic and well liked by the people around him. He is a well educated and has traveled the world. He can speak English, Italian, Hebrew and Spanish perfectly. When he speaks to people they hear him and understand what he is saying and his message is social change and he says that they people have the tools to make this change. He works with street children and has a boys home called Family is Life. He takes the boys in and gives them a place to live. Because of these great things, there was an assassination attempt on his life. The people around him built up an iron wall to protect this man that was so important to the people. He went into hiding and even as he hid he was the loudest voice that the people could hear. This man was also a catholic priest. He had his sermons broadcast all over the radio and to find his church all you had to do was follow the crowd. He is quoted as saying "The solution is revolution, first in the spirit of the Gospel; Jesus could not accept people going hungry. It is a conflict between classes, rich and poor. My role is to preach and organize....". This man really wanted a change to come about. The Catholic church chastised him for such a message. Saying that it incited violence. But in his church he represented the voice of the poor man, the oppressed man that had never had such a voice before. He was the popular voice. Elections came around and this man entered the race. The people were so excited that you could have plugged your blender in and made a smoothie there was so much electricity emanating from them. Even the people who were usually disinterested in the elections turned upside down in their excitement. He named his campaign the flood, the avalanche, the torrent of unity. He was humble and denied wanting the presidency unless it was what the people wanted. He won with 67% of the vote, so he must have been what the people wanted. Four years after he was elected he left the priesthood. But we are getting ahead in the story. A little over seven months after he was elected president there was a coup. Our man went into exile in Venezuela and then in the United States. In 1994, with the help of the United States he returned to his country and served the rest of his term in office. His disbanded the army and established a civilian police force. His first term ended in February two years later, and the constitution did not allow him to serve consecutive terms. There was some dispute over whether he should be allowed to serve the three years he had lost in exile prior to new elections, or whether his term in office should instead be counted strictly according to the date of his inauguration; it was decided that the latter should be the case. He did not serve the years he had missed in exile. But it was not over for him. He again became president. Then after he had been in office again for three years there was another coup and he was forced into exile again. This time going to Jamaica and South Africa. He has remained in South Africa ever since. There was a glimmer of hope that he would return when an ally of his was elected president but due to extenuating circumstances there has been no time table set for his return to his country. About this election of his ally he is quoted as saying "a selection in which the knife of treason was planted in the back of the people."

This man we have been talking about is named Jean Bertrand Aristide leader of The Lavalas Party in Haiti. He was a man that was seen to be the savior of Haiti. A man that could really turn the country around. He worked with street children and was a memeber of the Catholic priesthood. How could he do anything but good? He was ousted three times. He served from February 7, 1991 – September 30, 1991 and then October 12, 1994 – February 7, 1996 an then his final term was February 7, 2001 – February 29, 2004. The last time he was ousted he was in the city of Gonaievs rededicating the nation back to Voodoo. He was almost killed due to the uprising of people that wanted him gone.