Family

Birthing a Gideon out of a Broken Little Girl

I think that I am beginning to get this whole Gideon thing, I think. I could be be way out in left field somewhere but I have a good feeling about this. I have read and re-read Judges chapters six through eight. I have come to the conclusion that something is going on with me. I almost completely (probably completely) identify with Gideon.

In chapter six verse thirteen it says "Gideon says to Him 'O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying 'Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?' But now the Lord has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.'" I am constantly asking God where he is and maybe he would like to fill me in on some of the things that he is doing at some point. I constantly think well Lord, if aall of this happened why can't you do this one little thing for me? HELLO?? Needless to say He doesn't answer me when we talk like that. Our conversations seem to be a little one sided some times. I do a lot of the talking. I think that He is just waiting for me to get it all out and then we'll come back to it. Just go ahead and vent and get it all out Alyssa and then we can talk. Maybe He was doing the same thing with Gideon when he didn't answer him when he asked the Lord where he had been. He just kinda looks at him.

It contiunes in verse 25 saying that the Lord tells Gideon to take his fathers second best bull and to pull down the altar to Baal then to rebuild an altar to God in its place. But then use the remains of the altar to Baal to feed the fire for the offering to God. "Ummm...excuse me God but ummm...about that...I can do all that uh but let me go and get about ten people or so to help me with that and the I think that I might take a nap and when I get up and make sure that it is dark outside and then we'll get on that..." Well I more or less think that is how it went. And that is what would have been said if God had appeared to me and asked me to do that. I am not to big on doing things on my own. I like to do things with other people. I like them to help me. But God didn't tell Gideon to go get ten people to help him. God told him to go and tear down the idol on his own. Not gonna lie but, I like my life and I would have done the same exact thing as Gideon did. There is no way I would have gone by myself and torn down an idol that maybe a couple hundred people worship at. There would have been Alyssa for dinner. But if you have ten other people, there are people to back you up in that you did and you can keep on living. God has called me to a country that not many people are called to. No one and I mean no one want s to live in Haiti. You might think that you do but once you get there and are there for a little while, you might not think that this was such a good idea anymore. The electricity only works...well not even half the time more like a forth or the time...maybe not even that. No one really wants to live there. But if you know me you know that I really truly want to. And that is totally a God thing. But if that is where I am supposed to be, I have to be willing to do things on my own and go alone. I have to learn how to lead and to rely on God always. I can not always rely on others to be there with me. Not everyone is cut out to live in Haiti or to even go to Haiti (I am not saying don't go if you want to I am just saying pary...A LOT). I realize now that might be the only one that is called to what I am supposed to do. You think that I sould get that already...I am the obly one that can do what God has called me to do, not the ten people that I want to come with me. I have just now really come to the realization. I have been called to do all of these things that I talk and think about not my friends.

Gideon went on to be a great leader. He defeated the Midianites and there was peace under his forty yeah reign. Maybe I can do that but I think that I'll just stick to Haiti...

A rambling that you really don't need to read

Well I seem to ramble a lot and I am not sure if I make sense...I don't really get a lot of feedback from people (if any) that read my blog. But if you get into a long conversation with me and I start to think and talk at the same time I begin to ramble. When I say think and talk at the same time (I think that this statement needs clarifying, because all people think and talk at the same time...well mostly...), I mean that I begin to think very in depth about what is being said and I begin to voice my thoughts and I begin to ramble. If my thought process could be heard I am not sure that many people would never talk to me. I think how I write and I ramble when I think and I am really not sure how to separate the two...I don't really care either. But if you read my blog and think that I am rambling and not really seeming to resolve anything and I just seem to be confused, fear not! When I ramble that means I am thinking and if I am thinking I resolve things for myself even if the blog does not seem to resolve to any conclusion but just seems to end like more needs to be said. Thats what I feel happens sometimes. I just stop typing and I think about it and have no more to say so I just stop typing . So again I find myself rambling and I am thinking and I am going to stop.

(If you read this and thought you should read it and you feel like you have lost a few iq points...I believe that I told you in the title that you didn't need to read it...just sayin...)

Blip

So the family is here! Yay me!...anyway they are here safe for all of you that care to know. Oh happy day!! I am really excited, if you can't tell. They are going to be here for like a week or so and it is going to be so much fun!!

I'm so happy!

Marketing Mistake?

So I was thinking of a blog to write or just something to write about. I am not sure why I felt the need to write. Normally if I don't have a topic I just wait till I do or wait until I feel like I do and just ramble. But anyway I got to thinking about a odd topic. I am not sure if it is only odd to me but maybe you find it odd as well. It is something that I have thought about before but never given any serious thought. Well by now you are probably wondering what this topic is. Well here it is: with all the things that pull away children from their fathers in this world, why would God tell us or call himself a father? It just seems funny to me.

I first started thinking about this when I was reading Blue Like Jazz (great book. read it now!) and Donald Miller said it. This is what he says: "My father left home when I was young, so when I was introduced to the concept of God as a father I imagined him as a stiff, oily man who wanted to move into our house and share a bed with my mother. I can only remember this as a frightful and threatening idea. We were a poor family who attended a wealthy church, so I imagined God as a man who had a lot f money and drove a big car. At church they told us we were children of God, but I knew God's family was better than mine, the He had a daughter that was a cheerleader and a son who played football. I was born with a small bladder so I wet the bed till I was ten and later developed a crush on the homecoming queen who was kind to me in a political sort of way, which is something she probably learned from her father, who was the president of a bank. And so from the beginning, the chasm that separated me from God was a deep as wealth and as wide as fashion. ...Today I wonder why it is God refers to himself as 'Father' at all. This, to me, in the light of earthly representation or the role seems a marketing mistake."

I think that it is a marketing mistake. I have...well...not the best relationship with my father. We talk and hang out but it is not really a relationship that goes beyond surface level. My parents divorced when I was three and my dad has been in my life more at some times and less at others. But he has never left completely. Now that I am getting older it is hard to have a relationship with him because he still thinks that I am five. He knows that I am not but he still treats me like it. I find it annoying. I can't stand it really. So thinking of God as my dad has been hard to say the least. I find it hard to do it sometimes because I do, now, think of Him as my father and the one who will always be there for me no matter what, just like a father should. But I still seem to find a hesitation in my heart to give in to that completely. I think that is one of the things that I am supposed to be working on this summer. Maybe that is why I have been pulled away from everything so that I can realize that God is right there. Always will be. No matter what. But getting away from my daddy issues, there are so many other people that go through not being able to be truly close to God because they have bad relationships with their fathers.

I am really not sure where I am going with this. I really think that I am just asking the question.

Why do you think that God calls Himself a father in a fatherless world? Is it a marketing mistake?

Becoming Gideon

Ok so this whole changing thing is something that I really don't get and I feel like I am falling back into what I used to be. All I really can "sense or feel" of this change is that I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have begun to feel like the cat from Pinocchio. Not the original story but the one from the movie who so happens to be named Gideon. This cat is a moron. He is a mute and he is crafty but most of the time he just does stupid things that the fox "Honest" John tells him to do and he does not do it well. Like when he is supposed to get Pinocchio to play hooky from school...he tries to beat him with a mallet to make him go the right way...really? He falls all over himself and has the hiccups all the time. Moron. Now I am not a moron and I am obviously not a mute. But when you don't know what to say to anyone for a week straight you begin to feel like a moron. When you don't know how to explain how you are feeling at that moment and it is clear that something is wrong but you can't voice it, you begin to feel like a mute. When someone asks you why you are crying and all you can says is i don't know you begin to feel like a moron because you know perfectly well why you are crying you just become a mute. Changing into something new or finally realizing and becoming what you are supposed to be is hard. You have no idea what is happening to you and you begin to feel like a moron and a mute. You can't comprehend anything and you can't voice anything either. Things just don't seem to make sense and the fact that you have no one close by that you feel comfortable talking to makes things even more difficult. Maybe God is making me rely on Him for once instead of my support system that I keep around me. So I am going to rely on God and trust that this change is for the best but I do not like feeling like a moronic, mute cat.

Raising a Gideon

So I am pretty sure that raising me was no simple task. Shoot my mom an e-mail and ask her if you like. I have been a headstrong and stubborn all of my life. If you know me now you can attest to the fact that I still am and I don't deny it. I have always also been very independent. I have always wanted to do things for myself and know that I can do it by myself, ask my step-dad, he knows all to well.

Lately I have been reevaluating my headstrong, independent, stubborn ways. I believe that I was born that way or maybe I can blame my mother cause she is the same way. I think that I have been reevaluating the independent part more than the other two. I have know that I can do things myself my entire life and don't tell me that I can't do something. I will either prove you wrong or hurt myself trying. Telling me I can't do something is like challenging me. I automatically go "uh-huh...watch me." Good attitude towards some things but not towards others. I think that I have taken it to the point of thinking I can do things without God. If you know me you know that I love God with all my heart and you can see that in my life. I try to do things with God but then just end up doing it on my own.

As of late I have been dreaming a lot again. Most people dream about simple things and they don't wake up from their dreams going "What the @$%& was that all about?" And then you try to figure it out and you have to ask someone because God won't let you go Lone Ranger and figure it out on your own. Anyway my dreams are certifiably insane. If people knew half of my dreams they might begin to question my sanity. The other night I had a crazy ass dream and I don't want to go into details but the name Gideon came up. I like that name, I want to name one of my kids that one day. The dream involves me having a baby and his name is Gideon. Well I have asked a couple people about it and the general consensus is that I am Gideon but I am also myself in the dream (If you want to know about the dream feel free to ask...). Curiosity peeked by this consensus I have been researching about Gideon. Well he was the guy with the fleece...right? He was really much more than that.

Gideon was called a mighty man of valor by God. It seems like God is mocking him because Gideon is a poor farmer and his family was the least in the Manasseh. I mean dead last. And he was the youngest and the weakest. God told him that he would deliver Israel from Midian. Well needless to say he was a little ummm how shall I put this...unbelieving. He didn't exactly think that God was with his people anymore and thought that God had forsaken them. I have been reading this study that I printed out and it says that God know that He can and will deliver them, but He is firstly interested that they see what the root cause of their bondage is so that they don't have to keep the cycle of sin and repentance going. And Baal was the problem and so were the Midianites. And to make a long stroy short (if you want the long version, Judges chapters 6-8) he delivers the Israelites from Baal and the Midianites.

Reading this study, I realize that the consensus about my dream is probably true. I can identify with Gideon. He is weak, humble and sometimes fearful of the things that God has called him to do. Aren't we all? But I have ben that way for a long time. I am humble in the fact that I know God is doing things threw me and not the other way around. But the weakness part is hard for me. I know that I am weak but that is one thing I will never admit or never used to. I have found myself in a place that I am not sure how I got here. Just like Gideon I have been asking "God if you are with me then where the hell are you exactly??" And you know my world has kinda been rocke the last couple of weeks not just with things that hurt but all of the aspects of my life. All of the ways I have been doing things and how I am are being rocked. God hasn't exactly answered my questions, just like he didn't exactly answer Gideon's. I am more or less hearing shut up and wait. And or fear of this getting to long I am going to have to just say that it was not an easy task to raise me and now God is changing me. He is re-raising me to be a Gideon. He is raising me up to do the things that he has called me to do. He had to take all the things that distract me away from me to show me that. God has to sometimes has to do things in a painful way to get you to listen to him. So now I unnderstand this summer a little more I guess and am just going to try to listen and wait....

(Again forgive me if I rambled but its my blog...)