Lamou vire tet

Love turns your head around

Only love could provoke such a statement like this one. What else could turn your head around? Noise? You look to see where the noise came form or what made the noise but I think that this goes deeper than that. It says turn your head around not just turn your head. Love can pull you out of all sorts of things. Love can conquer fear and hate. Inconvience and anger. Love changes the way that you see and the way that you think.

Love can show an orphan the world before them. That there is more to life than rejection and abandonment. Love can teach a mother how to care for her children in a way that she never understood. It can also show her that those that took the time to teach her this new way of caring, love her more than she could imagine. In turn that woman can turn the teachers head around and give her or show her what her purpose in life really, truly is. Giving her the tools in life to change another woman's or orphan's life.

Love is not always what we think that it is. It could be a random act of kindness performed on the street by a passing stranger. Especially when they don't think that anyone, let alone you, will stop to help them. It could also be a photographer taking a picture of a boy in the street and then, being so moved by the sight of him that, she goes back home and tells the story, his story, to everyone she knows or sees. She may not even know the boys name or see him again but she has his picture and she can show them because that boy in the street turned her head around.

I think that turning your head around has more to do with the way you think and changing the way that you think. It's a Haitian saying so that could be completely wrong. Anyway thats what I think. Saying that love is the thing that turns your head around makes sense, considering that love is a very powerful emotion. It's [love] one of those things that you have to choose to do. The choice is what gives it its power becasue you have the other choice to walk away from it. When you choose love, you have to change the way that you have been thinking. Being in love or loving something and being negative and negative thinking normally don't go together. I say that but again I could be totally wrong. But I don't think that I am. Love is a positive emotion. When you are in love you feel better about yourself and the things around you. The day is better and nothing could gop wrong. Compared to when you and love really aren't on speaking terms and you hate the way that you look and it seems to rain all the time. Do you see what I mean about the positve thing?

Love however is not an easy emotion to deal or to get along with. It tends to break your heart and if that wasn't bad enough it feels the need to rip it [your heart] out of your chest and run a dagger through it and twist. But your heart doesn't just break when you fall out of or lose love. It breaks [your heart] when you see a mother that is not able to feed her children. When you see a boy on the street that is sent out into a busy street to beg for money just to have someone meaner and bigger than he is take it away from him and then send him back out. It breaks when you have to teach a fifteen year old girl basic kindergarten principles becasue people thought that her time would be better spent cleaning up after them. Indeed lamou vire tet. Turns it around so far that you can't think straight and all you want is for those things to be fixed so they won't cry anymore. But you can't and your heart shatters again and again and again and again and each time it shatters it hurts more and more and more and it doesn't help that love is doing the shattering either. How do you stop that? I can't tell you. I can't stop it. Indeed love turns your head around and I can't stop it.

Reflections?

As the semester draws to a close I have some time to reflect. On what...that is an excellent question. So much has happened. I have done well in my classes which is always good. Normally I come up with a sarcastic list of what I have figured out or learned but there are not many things that I have learned or that I remember learning...

New developments in my life include such things as I am about halfway finished with college, I am going to be turning 20 and I have a boyfriend. I would like to reflect on that last for a second (hahahaha). I haven't had a boyfriend in awhile. It has been at least three years, which is not surprising with my history with guys. I tend to pick the jerks, which is putting it nicely. But Scott is different. He is wonderful actually. He is definitely not the normal everyday guy that I pick. He is really great. He really is great and I like him a lot. There is a lot more said in those statements than you may think. I don't want to say much more about it on here but I just thought that those of you that read and keep up with me would like to know. I am not really sure why I don't want to say more about it on here but I am very happy and maybe there are some other feelings that I am not fully aware of yet...anyway I am going to be 20! No longer a teenager! My mother would like to ignore this fact. I told her that if she chooses to do so it will come as a great shock to her when I turn 21. She said no. She will just ignore that one as well...ok. College is just another word for school. So not much to say there. School is school.

Life in general has been good. I am happy, truly happy, where I am at . which has not been true for a long time. But as they say "Lamou vire tet" (for those of you that read creole...for the rest of you have fun translating...) But it really does. (the translation may need some help because it is not literal...)

Range

I never realized before how dynamic emotions can be. I used to hide them deep down somewhere and then when they were called upon, they were faked. Never the real ones. Showing those you can get hurt. I somehow decided, one day, that I was not going to have emotions or at least not real ones. Getting out of that habit is hard. When it is well practiced it is easy to fall back into. Especially with the people that have hurt you but that you are required to interact with. I was guilty of faking my emotions last month. Its a safety net, a comfort zone. Not one I am proud of but its there. Learning how to have real emotions again has been hard. It is only something that has come about in the last year or so. I have been practicing real emotion. I fear that I am faking it sometimes though. New situations, I fear I am faking it. I am sure that I am not though, but am I? I think that this is real and I pray that this is real. But old habits die hard. Harder than one might think. God has to remind me that my emotions are real because he is real in my life. I am not faking that. I have learned, through God, that my emotions are not fake. New situations, not meant to hurt you. Meant to help me grow. Meant to help me change in a good way. Not meant to hurt me, not meant to fake. I fear that I am though. I know I am not though. Statements that can't be true at the same time but somehow are. Right now.

God reminds me that this all is a learning experience, this life. He reminds me everyday. He has to. I am not good with learning, when change and the unknown is involved. I really don't like the unknown. The known is safe and well known. But the unknown becomes known so I have to be willing to learn. This learning experience called life should be a dynamic and emotional adventure not just one that I sit by and pretend that I is emotional. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to fake it anymore.

I have these emotions for a reason and they are wonderful. I have learned that much. God keep me in check with my emotions and help me not to fake it.

(I am getting a tad to introspective for myself and I find that annoying....so this is a good place to stop....)

Windows to the Soul

Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when we lie.
They show when we cry.
I hide behind these eyes.
Drawing the curtains when people get to close.
Closing the shutters when they try to pry.
I hide behind these windows.
I cry behind these windows.
These eyes of blue and green.
These pools that have been called beautiful.
They may be beautiful but the shutters are closed hiding the sorrow.
Hiding the pain.

Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when are happy.
They show when we are blissful.
I try to hide behind these eyes.
Trying to draw the curtains when people get to close.
Trying to close the sutters when they pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.
My eyes reveal it all.
They show my emotion.
They show when I cry.
I used to be so good at hiding behind these eyes.
It seems that I can't anymore.
It seems that I don't want to anymore.

Eyes are the windows to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when I am happy.
They show when I am sad.
I can't find the curtains when people get to close.
I can't find the shutters when people try to pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.

What has happened to me?

My Heart As A Room

If you really want to know then read on.

It is dark in here. At least I think it is. Maybe there are just so many walls and boundaries outside that they choke out any light that would dare to venture past them. Music is always playing in here. It varies from day to day, maybe hour to hour but, it never shuts off. It moves me. Most days I can't seem to find a light switch. If I could, I am not sure that I would want to see what was or is in here. I carry and hold so much in this small room that I would need several u-hauls to get it all out. Not several small ones but several big ones. One day as I was fumbling around in the dark, I found the light switch. Right by the door where it always has been. It has never moved so, its not that I couldn't find it. Most days I just don't want to find it. Finding it would require me to deal with the mess inside. Some days I try to clean but by end up with a bigger mess than the one that I started with. Not sure how that happens but it always seems to. The walls are black. Which is not all that unusual. A fire may have swept through here once turning the walls black. That was a long time ago. Now there is just a small candle in the corner. It could still start a fire. No one ever told me how to sustain the initial one so it burnt me out. It was supposed to cleanse but unintentionally left a bigger mess. The candle could still start a fire. It just needs some help. Maybe I'll knock it over when I am ready. There is a man in my room. He is dressed ok. Nothing spectacular but mostly white. I want his sandals. They are pretty cool. He can clearly see that this place is a mess. "It looks like you could use some help?". He walks up to one of the walls and wipes some of the soot and ash away with his hand. "The walls are still good...crazily colored but good." He looks at me and smiles. I am not sure if I can ask this man for help. It is my mess. I should clean it up. Not Him. But he seems persistent about helping. He shows no sign of leaving like the others did. Well they really didn't give any warning. They were just gone one day, leaving holes in the walls. I can see them now that the walls have been wiped down some. I think that this man has been here for a long time. I think that he will stay for much longer. This place is begining to look better. Some of the smaller holes have been patched. It is going to take a little longer for the bigger ones to be patched. They might have to stop hurting first. This man seems to be really good at putting things back where they belong. I know that I never could have. It would have taken a lifetime for me to do it alone. It never would have been done. I am not good at things like that. Things are still a mess in here. There seems to be a method to the madness now though. Some sort of half assed organization is what I can see. There have been additions made to the room over the years. Things that have caused some of the holes to reopen. But in a good way. I thikn that we may have been able to bring a wall or two down around the outsidebut there are so many that it is hard to tell. They have been inspected as of late and we both can see that they were built on cracking foundations or none at all. This cleaning process thing must be one heck of an ongoing process, because it goes very slow and takes a lot of time. I don't mind so much any more though. If it had been fast I am not sure that I would have heald properly in the right areas. As long as this man that has become my friend, my best friend, doesn't leave I think that I can do this and one day this room will be as good as new. Maybe even better. I think that this man has made this room his home. There was a bed under all of the junk. We got rid of the junk that was on the bed. We went through it and decided that I didn't need most of it. There is still a lot that needs to be sifted through. I probably don't need half of it. I should just get rid of it, but He assures me that it needs to be gone through and worked out so it doesn't come back. I have decided to agree. More than half will be gone, now that I think about it. Anyway at least he has a plave to rest now. There is one wall that no matter how many times you wipe the soot and ash away it is always there. Always. When he touches it a white had appears on the wall. Whwn I touch it my hand just gets dirty. It seems that he wipes the wall clean daily. It then becomes clean but by days end it tends to be spotted or completely black again. Sometimes the black seeps into the other walls but, he takes care of that. I like having him around. He can do the things that I can't. Could never do. He tells me that he loves me all of the time. Not in the superficial way that other people seem to do but in a way that makes me tear up adn cry because I know that he means it. And I love him too. More and more each day. I always will. I wish that more guys outside of this room were like him or at least tried to be like him. His love makes me feel like no man will ever be good enough. For He is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. That is why he helps me me clean up my mess of a life. It is really only a room that can be cleaned by him. I could never do it alone. Let alone do it at all. He is happy to help because I chose him and he has always chosen me. No matter what I have done, did, will do, he will never unchoose me. No matter how big my mess gets. There is a map in my room. Red pins indicating where I want to go are all over this map. I don't think that I put them there. I don't remember placing them there. So He must have. Helpful. I know that he will take me to most if not all of these places. When you ask...I don't know. In due time. He will.He promised me a long time ago that he would. The world will one day be my plyground thnks to Him. And I am thankful. We have put many pictures on the walls and they almost cover every empty space on the walls. we have gone to these places together but they are pictures of me and kids that I was only able to meet becasue of him. He has placed in me a love for people even though most days I can't stand people. They are my greatest cause. Always will be. He told me so. I am not sure that he ever leaves this room. That is ok. He keeps me warm and I can always coem and talk to him when I am upset and no one else wants to talk. I like him here. He really listens to me adn I love him for that. This was supposed to be about my room/heart but I guess that without him my room would be dark and odd. No light and not just because of the walls. He makes my room what it is and me what I am. "The walls are good despite all of the hits that they have taken...yes the walls are still good. Interesting choice of paint color.". He makes me laugh and he makes my cry but never in a bad way. He really picked the color for the paint even though he will take no or little credit for it. I am just the creation. The paint was already there when I found out that there was a room in my heart. Some time ago he found another room in my heart. I think that he built it, him being a carpenter and all. He has told me who and what it is for. " Not for your overflow of junk." It is apparently for someone that will coem into my life and occupy a place in my heart just like he does. Maybe my heart is becoming a house with many rooms. Whatever it is, it is an ongoing process and it will never stop as long as the man in the white outfit and awsome sandals has anything to do with my life. So this may have several ammendments whether they are written down or not.

Ted Dekker

Thats right we met Ted Dekker!

Be jealous!

Well Worn

You may say that these sandals are broken. That they need to go into the trash. I would say to you that they are not broken. That they do not belong in the trash. They are just well worn. They are still wearable and useable as shoes. I should know I wear them everyday. 

The bible verses that are on them do not hold them together. They are just things that I try to live by as I walk on this earth. I made a corny joke one time and told my mom that I was walking in or on my destiny. The verses are Luke 7:47 "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." and Romans 10:15 "And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who brings glad tidings of good things."

I think that these verses apply to my life a lot. Romans 10:15 the most. Before this verse it says "how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher?" (verse 14). I am not claiming that I am a preacher but how will people know about God unless I go and tell them. If you have seen my shoes most of them bear scripture that talk about feet. They are shoes after all. Anyway feet how you get to a place. Well you might have to take a plane, a boat, a car, or a train but your feet will carry you the rest of the way. How else do you get to a place without walking? I walk all over Haiti and I see the people. They have not believed, but they probably have heard. Do they believe it? 

Going back to the point of this blog, I was talking about my sandals. They are not so much broken just well worn. Haiti is also said to be broken. But as I came to the realization that my shoes are not broken just well worn, the same can be said for Haiti. It may look broken but it is not so much broken as it is well worn. People have been there for hundreds of years "wearing" it. The sole of it has become worn out and the leather is starting to get holes in it just like my sandals. It looks and feels as if it is falling apart. 

You can ask "If it is not broken, how can it be fixed? It has to be broken to be fixed." Well I have an answer for you. What do you do with a shoe when the sole is wearing out? You may say throw it away, but what if you don't have the money for new shoes? What do you do then? The sole is wearing thin and it needs to be renewed. Do what people used to do, put a new soul on it.