Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when we lie.
They show when we cry.
I hide behind these eyes.
Drawing the curtains when people get to close.
Closing the shutters when they try to pry.
I hide behind these windows.
I cry behind these windows.
These eyes of blue and green.
These pools that have been called beautiful.
They may be beautiful but the shutters are closed hiding the sorrow.
Hiding the pain.
Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when are happy.
They show when we are blissful.
I try to hide behind these eyes.
Trying to draw the curtains when people get to close.
Trying to close the sutters when they pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.
My eyes reveal it all.
They show my emotion.
They show when I cry.
I used to be so good at hiding behind these eyes.
It seems that I can't anymore.
It seems that I don't want to anymore.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when I am happy.
They show when I am sad.
I can't find the curtains when people get to close.
I can't find the shutters when people try to pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.
What has happened to me?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My Heart As A Room
If you really want to know then read on.
It is dark in here. At least I think it is. Maybe there are just so many walls and boundaries outside that they choke out any light that would dare to venture past them. Music is always playing in here. It varies from day to day, maybe hour to hour but, it never shuts off. It moves me. Most days I can't seem to find a light switch. If I could, I am not sure that I would want to see what was or is in here. I carry and hold so much in this small room that I would need several u-hauls to get it all out. Not several small ones but several big ones. One day as I was fumbling around in the dark, I found the light switch. Right by the door where it always has been. It has never moved so, its not that I couldn't find it. Most days I just don't want to find it. Finding it would require me to deal with the mess inside. Some days I try to clean but by end up with a bigger mess than the one that I started with. Not sure how that happens but it always seems to. The walls are black. Which is not all that unusual. A fire may have swept through here once turning the walls black. That was a long time ago. Now there is just a small candle in the corner. It could still start a fire. No one ever told me how to sustain the initial one so it burnt me out. It was supposed to cleanse but unintentionally left a bigger mess. The candle could still start a fire. It just needs some help. Maybe I'll knock it over when I am ready. There is a man in my room. He is dressed ok. Nothing spectacular but mostly white. I want his sandals. They are pretty cool. He can clearly see that this place is a mess. "It looks like you could use some help?". He walks up to one of the walls and wipes some of the soot and ash away with his hand. "The walls are still good...crazily colored but good." He looks at me and smiles. I am not sure if I can ask this man for help. It is my mess. I should clean it up. Not Him. But he seems persistent about helping. He shows no sign of leaving like the others did. Well they really didn't give any warning. They were just gone one day, leaving holes in the walls. I can see them now that the walls have been wiped down some. I think that this man has been here for a long time. I think that he will stay for much longer. This place is begining to look better. Some of the smaller holes have been patched. It is going to take a little longer for the bigger ones to be patched. They might have to stop hurting first. This man seems to be really good at putting things back where they belong. I know that I never could have. It would have taken a lifetime for me to do it alone. It never would have been done. I am not good at things like that. Things are still a mess in here. There seems to be a method to the madness now though. Some sort of half assed organization is what I can see. There have been additions made to the room over the years. Things that have caused some of the holes to reopen. But in a good way. I thikn that we may have been able to bring a wall or two down around the outsidebut there are so many that it is hard to tell. They have been inspected as of late and we both can see that they were built on cracking foundations or none at all. This cleaning process thing must be one heck of an ongoing process, because it goes very slow and takes a lot of time. I don't mind so much any more though. If it had been fast I am not sure that I would have heald properly in the right areas. As long as this man that has become my friend, my best friend, doesn't leave I think that I can do this and one day this room will be as good as new. Maybe even better. I think that this man has made this room his home. There was a bed under all of the junk. We got rid of the junk that was on the bed. We went through it and decided that I didn't need most of it. There is still a lot that needs to be sifted through. I probably don't need half of it. I should just get rid of it, but He assures me that it needs to be gone through and worked out so it doesn't come back. I have decided to agree. More than half will be gone, now that I think about it. Anyway at least he has a plave to rest now. There is one wall that no matter how many times you wipe the soot and ash away it is always there. Always. When he touches it a white had appears on the wall. Whwn I touch it my hand just gets dirty. It seems that he wipes the wall clean daily. It then becomes clean but by days end it tends to be spotted or completely black again. Sometimes the black seeps into the other walls but, he takes care of that. I like having him around. He can do the things that I can't. Could never do. He tells me that he loves me all of the time. Not in the superficial way that other people seem to do but in a way that makes me tear up adn cry because I know that he means it. And I love him too. More and more each day. I always will. I wish that more guys outside of this room were like him or at least tried to be like him. His love makes me feel like no man will ever be good enough. For He is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. That is why he helps me me clean up my mess of a life. It is really only a room that can be cleaned by him. I could never do it alone. Let alone do it at all. He is happy to help because I chose him and he has always chosen me. No matter what I have done, did, will do, he will never unchoose me. No matter how big my mess gets. There is a map in my room. Red pins indicating where I want to go are all over this map. I don't think that I put them there. I don't remember placing them there. So He must have. Helpful. I know that he will take me to most if not all of these places. When you ask...I don't know. In due time. He will.He promised me a long time ago that he would. The world will one day be my plyground thnks to Him. And I am thankful. We have put many pictures on the walls and they almost cover every empty space on the walls. we have gone to these places together but they are pictures of me and kids that I was only able to meet becasue of him. He has placed in me a love for people even though most days I can't stand people. They are my greatest cause. Always will be. He told me so. I am not sure that he ever leaves this room. That is ok. He keeps me warm and I can always coem and talk to him when I am upset and no one else wants to talk. I like him here. He really listens to me adn I love him for that. This was supposed to be about my room/heart but I guess that without him my room would be dark and odd. No light and not just because of the walls. He makes my room what it is and me what I am. "The walls are good despite all of the hits that they have taken...yes the walls are still good. Interesting choice of paint color.". He makes me laugh and he makes my cry but never in a bad way. He really picked the color for the paint even though he will take no or little credit for it. I am just the creation. The paint was already there when I found out that there was a room in my heart. Some time ago he found another room in my heart. I think that he built it, him being a carpenter and all. He has told me who and what it is for. " Not for your overflow of junk." It is apparently for someone that will coem into my life and occupy a place in my heart just like he does. Maybe my heart is becoming a house with many rooms. Whatever it is, it is an ongoing process and it will never stop as long as the man in the white outfit and awsome sandals has anything to do with my life. So this may have several ammendments whether they are written down or not.
It is dark in here. At least I think it is. Maybe there are just so many walls and boundaries outside that they choke out any light that would dare to venture past them. Music is always playing in here. It varies from day to day, maybe hour to hour but, it never shuts off. It moves me. Most days I can't seem to find a light switch. If I could, I am not sure that I would want to see what was or is in here. I carry and hold so much in this small room that I would need several u-hauls to get it all out. Not several small ones but several big ones. One day as I was fumbling around in the dark, I found the light switch. Right by the door where it always has been. It has never moved so, its not that I couldn't find it. Most days I just don't want to find it. Finding it would require me to deal with the mess inside. Some days I try to clean but by end up with a bigger mess than the one that I started with. Not sure how that happens but it always seems to. The walls are black. Which is not all that unusual. A fire may have swept through here once turning the walls black. That was a long time ago. Now there is just a small candle in the corner. It could still start a fire. No one ever told me how to sustain the initial one so it burnt me out. It was supposed to cleanse but unintentionally left a bigger mess. The candle could still start a fire. It just needs some help. Maybe I'll knock it over when I am ready. There is a man in my room. He is dressed ok. Nothing spectacular but mostly white. I want his sandals. They are pretty cool. He can clearly see that this place is a mess. "It looks like you could use some help?". He walks up to one of the walls and wipes some of the soot and ash away with his hand. "The walls are still good...crazily colored but good." He looks at me and smiles. I am not sure if I can ask this man for help. It is my mess. I should clean it up. Not Him. But he seems persistent about helping. He shows no sign of leaving like the others did. Well they really didn't give any warning. They were just gone one day, leaving holes in the walls. I can see them now that the walls have been wiped down some. I think that this man has been here for a long time. I think that he will stay for much longer. This place is begining to look better. Some of the smaller holes have been patched. It is going to take a little longer for the bigger ones to be patched. They might have to stop hurting first. This man seems to be really good at putting things back where they belong. I know that I never could have. It would have taken a lifetime for me to do it alone. It never would have been done. I am not good at things like that. Things are still a mess in here. There seems to be a method to the madness now though. Some sort of half assed organization is what I can see. There have been additions made to the room over the years. Things that have caused some of the holes to reopen. But in a good way. I thikn that we may have been able to bring a wall or two down around the outsidebut there are so many that it is hard to tell. They have been inspected as of late and we both can see that they were built on cracking foundations or none at all. This cleaning process thing must be one heck of an ongoing process, because it goes very slow and takes a lot of time. I don't mind so much any more though. If it had been fast I am not sure that I would have heald properly in the right areas. As long as this man that has become my friend, my best friend, doesn't leave I think that I can do this and one day this room will be as good as new. Maybe even better. I think that this man has made this room his home. There was a bed under all of the junk. We got rid of the junk that was on the bed. We went through it and decided that I didn't need most of it. There is still a lot that needs to be sifted through. I probably don't need half of it. I should just get rid of it, but He assures me that it needs to be gone through and worked out so it doesn't come back. I have decided to agree. More than half will be gone, now that I think about it. Anyway at least he has a plave to rest now. There is one wall that no matter how many times you wipe the soot and ash away it is always there. Always. When he touches it a white had appears on the wall. Whwn I touch it my hand just gets dirty. It seems that he wipes the wall clean daily. It then becomes clean but by days end it tends to be spotted or completely black again. Sometimes the black seeps into the other walls but, he takes care of that. I like having him around. He can do the things that I can't. Could never do. He tells me that he loves me all of the time. Not in the superficial way that other people seem to do but in a way that makes me tear up adn cry because I know that he means it. And I love him too. More and more each day. I always will. I wish that more guys outside of this room were like him or at least tried to be like him. His love makes me feel like no man will ever be good enough. For He is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. That is why he helps me me clean up my mess of a life. It is really only a room that can be cleaned by him. I could never do it alone. Let alone do it at all. He is happy to help because I chose him and he has always chosen me. No matter what I have done, did, will do, he will never unchoose me. No matter how big my mess gets. There is a map in my room. Red pins indicating where I want to go are all over this map. I don't think that I put them there. I don't remember placing them there. So He must have. Helpful. I know that he will take me to most if not all of these places. When you ask...I don't know. In due time. He will.He promised me a long time ago that he would. The world will one day be my plyground thnks to Him. And I am thankful. We have put many pictures on the walls and they almost cover every empty space on the walls. we have gone to these places together but they are pictures of me and kids that I was only able to meet becasue of him. He has placed in me a love for people even though most days I can't stand people. They are my greatest cause. Always will be. He told me so. I am not sure that he ever leaves this room. That is ok. He keeps me warm and I can always coem and talk to him when I am upset and no one else wants to talk. I like him here. He really listens to me adn I love him for that. This was supposed to be about my room/heart but I guess that without him my room would be dark and odd. No light and not just because of the walls. He makes my room what it is and me what I am. "The walls are good despite all of the hits that they have taken...yes the walls are still good. Interesting choice of paint color.". He makes me laugh and he makes my cry but never in a bad way. He really picked the color for the paint even though he will take no or little credit for it. I am just the creation. The paint was already there when I found out that there was a room in my heart. Some time ago he found another room in my heart. I think that he built it, him being a carpenter and all. He has told me who and what it is for. " Not for your overflow of junk." It is apparently for someone that will coem into my life and occupy a place in my heart just like he does. Maybe my heart is becoming a house with many rooms. Whatever it is, it is an ongoing process and it will never stop as long as the man in the white outfit and awsome sandals has anything to do with my life. So this may have several ammendments whether they are written down or not.
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