Untitleable

Forget what you have seen and forget what you have heard. Things can fall out from under you and change the course of everything. Causing you to fall and hit the ground that you forgot was there. You crash you burn. You don't feel like yourself because you have changed so radically while you were up wherever you fell from. Nothing seems the same. There is a part of you that was brought out by this radical change that you want deeply to embrace. But is hard to embrace that change when you can't seem to find that thing or that side of you that comes out of you, when you can't seem to find where you keep that part of you. You keep it somewhere, where no one could find it. But incidentally you can't seem to find it either after it has been hidden. You begin to realize that you need someone else to help you find that part of you that you long so deeply to embrace. You are not sure why it is hidden to where you can't find it alone but maybe it has something to do with being hurt in the past. Being hurt makes you hide things so that you can't even find them because you don't want people to see that so they can't hurt you again or so no one else can hurt that part of you. You want to make yourself invulnerable. I think it makes you do that, hide things very well that is, because you want that person to come along that is willing to help you find those things and is honestly surprised that those things, about you, are there. But then you are stuck hiding and waiting.

...and thats the problem

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way I listen.

I hate the way you drive me crazy,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your dumb black dress shoes

and the way you can read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me crazy,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way I always know your right,

I hate it when you leave.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close,

not even a little bit,

not even at all.

...and thats the problem.

My newest video...God's Plumbline Promotion...haha

Dear Lord Baby Jesus...

So I have learned as of late that things get hard when you aren't praying or reading your bible. Thigs creep in that you didn't realize were there. I seem to become a little paranoid about some things. I begin to think that God doesn't hear what I say. That he doesn't see me when I cry. That he doesn't feel it when I hurt. That he doesn't care to hear me, care to wipe away my tears and that he doesn't care that I hurt. Well coming off of feeling that way you realize that God is dealing with something inside of you that you have repressed. Thats that conclusion that I have come to anyway. I have so many things that I have repressed and made go away. They really didn't go away. They just sat there and got bigger and meaner and they are ready when I am weak. They rear their ugly heads when I have stopped reading my Bible and spending time with God. They know that if they hit me then that I will not be ready and they can hurt me. And let me tell you they hit you where you are insecure. There are a couple of things in my life right now that I am feeling insecure about. I am sure it is mainly due to lack of good communication but I am not sure and that is where they hit me. My doubt. Making me assume the worst about the good things in my life. The great and wonderful things that have happened to me as of late. There is something that doesn't want me to do these things. Considering that I need my car to do them, my car has been temporarialy put out of order. First I got in a accident...easily fixed. Thanks pop!! Then yesterday my transmission began to slip and has been for awhile apparently. Without a car, I can't work. Without a car, I can't go anywhere. Well I flipped yesterday. I cried harder than I have cried in a long time and just needed someone to hug me and hold me and tell me that it was going to be ok. Of course anyone that would do that for me happens to not be in this country right now. But I really love my mommy so I called her yesterday and told her what happened and she told me that she would have my step-dad call and put the inssurance on their car so that I can use it until they get here. I know right!! I really love my mom. She is pretty great. Now I can work and go do the things that i want to do!! I was so happy and I cried even harder. But there are still other things that need to be taken care of and I intend to do that but while I am reading my bible and walking with God. Cause we all know that I trip a lot over flat surfaces but without him I would fall flat on my face every time I tripped.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With The Best Intentions

Picture a man that is well spoken, charismatic and well liked by the people around him. He is a well educated and has traveled the world. He can speak English, Italian, Hebrew and Spanish perfectly. When he speaks to people they hear him and understand what he is saying and his message is social change and he says that they people have the tools to make this change. He works with street children and has a boys home called Family is Life. He takes the boys in and gives them a place to live. Because of these great things, there was an assassination attempt on his life. The people around him built up an iron wall to protect this man that was so important to the people. He went into hiding and even as he hid he was the loudest voice that the people could hear. This man was also a catholic priest. He had his sermons broadcast all over the radio and to find his church all you had to do was follow the crowd. He is quoted as saying "The solution is revolution, first in the spirit of the Gospel; Jesus could not accept people going hungry. It is a conflict between classes, rich and poor. My role is to preach and organize....". This man really wanted a change to come about. The Catholic church chastised him for such a message. Saying that it incited violence. But in his church he represented the voice of the poor man, the oppressed man that had never had such a voice before. He was the popular voice. Elections came around and this man entered the race. The people were so excited that you could have plugged your blender in and made a smoothie there was so much electricity emanating from them. Even the people who were usually disinterested in the elections turned upside down in their excitement. He named his campaign the flood, the avalanche, the torrent of unity. He was humble and denied wanting the presidency unless it was what the people wanted. He won with 67% of the vote, so he must have been what the people wanted. Four years after he was elected he left the priesthood. But we are getting ahead in the story. A little over seven months after he was elected president there was a coup. Our man went into exile in Venezuela and then in the United States. In 1994, with the help of the United States he returned to his country and served the rest of his term in office. His disbanded the army and established a civilian police force. His first term ended in February two years later, and the constitution did not allow him to serve consecutive terms. There was some dispute over whether he should be allowed to serve the three years he had lost in exile prior to new elections, or whether his term in office should instead be counted strictly according to the date of his inauguration; it was decided that the latter should be the case. He did not serve the years he had missed in exile. But it was not over for him. He again became president. Then after he had been in office again for three years there was another coup and he was forced into exile again. This time going to Jamaica and South Africa. He has remained in South Africa ever since. There was a glimmer of hope that he would return when an ally of his was elected president but due to extenuating circumstances there has been no time table set for his return to his country. About this election of his ally he is quoted as saying "a selection in which the knife of treason was planted in the back of the people."

This man we have been talking about is named Jean Bertrand Aristide leader of The Lavalas Party in Haiti. He was a man that was seen to be the savior of Haiti. A man that could really turn the country around. He worked with street children and was a memeber of the Catholic priesthood. How could he do anything but good? He was ousted three times. He served from February 7, 1991 – September 30, 1991 and then October 12, 1994 – February 7, 1996 an then his final term was February 7, 2001 – February 29, 2004. The last time he was ousted he was in the city of Gonaievs rededicating the nation back to Voodoo. He was almost killed due to the uprising of people that wanted him gone.

Happy Birthday To Me!!

So I am now 20 years old. Its not really all that different than being 19 but I am not a teenager anymore so that is weird. It is a little weird not being a teenager considering that I have been one for 6 years.

I got to go to dinner at Carabba's for dinner tonight and tomorrow I get to go to Outback...yay me!! I got a external hard drive so that I can back up my computer so that if (prays to God not) my computer's hard drive fails again or something else happens to it I can have all of my stuff on a seperate hard drive. And I can have a crazy amount of pictures on it and music! I got a pair of Toms shoes and a new Haiti bag and a Haiti shirt. So good times. And my grandma is making me a chocolate cake with cool whip frosting and strawberries...my favorite!

So I had a good and am having/had a good birthday!

Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me!!

Mothers

Why is a person such as a mother so important on the life of a child? That is an excellent question considering that 9 times out of 10 they seem to be a problem. They get in the way of what you want to do and what you think you should do. They tell you things like clean your room and get your crap out of the living room or get your crap out of the middle of the floor. You do it but you are thinking "One of these days...I'm not sure but one of these days!" and that is as far as you ever get because no matter how old you get your mother can still beat you in a fight. No matter how big you may get and how small she may stay...you will lose.

I realize that we take mothers for granted. I think that traveling around Haiti has made me see that. You may say that I am wrong and that fathers are taken for granted and they are but that is not what I am talking about. Your mother is the one that cares for you and makes sure that you are up in the morning and throws a fit when your hair bow won't stay in your hair at the age of 3 and they blog about the fact that you now have a boyfriend (what do you mean your mother's never done that last one? That's not a normal thing??). She is also the one that makes sure you are fed at the right times and the one that makes sure you are continuing to eat once you leave for college. She is the one that has mini meltdowns when she can't talk to you for two months because your computer is broken. In Haiti I am not sure that mothers do any of that. They birth you and then form there I think that you might be on your own. There are a few that keep up with you for the rest of your life and try to do there best to raise you with what they have but the reality is that most of the mothers are single and there is no one else to take care of the kids so they are left at home alone or with a brother or sister while mom goes out to make money. Family is not a big deal in Haiti. You have relatives but not family like we think of it. We have sit down dinners and we talk and we all live together as a family. Not so much in Haiti. You mom and your sister may live here while you dad and your two brothers live there and then you live up over there. We all live together. Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters.

I don't think that I realized how much I took my mother for granted until she wasn't here last year for my birthday. That was the first time she hadn't been around for my birthday in 18 years. She had been there for every single one. I didn't get to talk to her for maybe more than five minutes, maybe. Its not that I didn't appreciate all that she did for me all the time it was just that I never realized how much I really loved my mother and how much I missed her and how much she really meant to me.

With my birthday being in 2 days I am without my mother again. And I swear if Skype messes up on Tuesday there are going to be some serious problems and I might have to punch something.

Happy Early Birthday to ME!!!

Making My Mother Cry

So normally this has bad connotations. When you make your mother cry, you normally have done something really bad. Well that is not so with my mother. She doesn't cry when you do something really bad, she gets angry. But that is not what I am talking about...no need to go there. My mother seems to cry about the dumbest things. She cries when you graduate form high school, she cries when she you get her a sappy card, she cries when she misses you play softball...I know. Needless to say she cries a lot. But the good part about that is that you know when you got her a good gift. 

It is really funny when I make my mother cry (not that its funny to watch her cry...falling is another story...another inherited trait, form my mother...). I should expect it when I get her presents or do something that is sappy or sentimental but I don't. So everytime I make her cry its more like oh brother. 

I am not sure why she randomly cries some days but I think that I have inherited this...thing. I seem to cry a lot lately. I cry when I think about Haiti...normal. I have started to cry about random things like sappy cards...I never cry about sappy cards. Yeah...never say never. I learned that a long time ago but I didn't think that rule applied to turning into my mother. It apparently does. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be everything that my mother is...but the fact that I am turning into my mother is really funny to me. 

Anyway...Happy Belated Mothers Day my wonderful crying mother...haha!

What its like to have your iPod mock you

So if you know me at all you would know that I really don't miss people. But when I do miss people say like my mom I really miss them. I don't normally miss my mom all the time but I have my days. I get a tad pitiful and sad. Its like I am 5 again and my mom is at work and not with me but I am going to be 20 soon and she is in Haiti...anyway today was one of those days but I realized that I am going to miss Scott a lot. I hate this. When I miss someone I want nothing more than to be with them and just see their face. But I can't and that makes me sad and pitiful. My iPod likes to point out this fact or atleast while I was driving down to ATL it did. It played song after song that made me think about Scott and how much I am going to miss him this summer and I kept looking at it and saying REALLY! It was bad, I think that it is going to be banned from playing music for awhile. Then to top it all off after it was done mocking the fact that I am going to miss Scott it began to mock the fact that I am going to miss all of my other friends too...needless to say my iPod and I are not on speaking terms right now.