Precious: New Movie (You should go see it...)

Thoghts: Heading to the Frozen North

So as I sit here packing to go to Minnesota, I decided that I should check the weather so I can pack accordingly...its not like I have warm clothes, on the off chance that it will be cold, anyway. I guess it doesn't matter if it is cold or not if you know me well you know that if the weather gets under 70 degrees, I am going to need a jacket and if I don't happen I am going to freeze (think about that next time...bring an extra jacket for Alyssa...just a thought...haha). Anyway so I am looking at the weather...and this is what it looks like when I get up there:

Wednesday: High- 72 (not bad ) Low-56 (I am going to freeze to death)
Thursday: High- 74 (eh... ) Low-57 (I can thaw in the morning I suppose) and rain (we all know how much I love the rain...I prefer the sun...)
Friday:High- 79 (Almost 80 hooray! ) Low-60 (oh oh getting warmer) and rain (really...?)

Off to Canby!

Saturday:High- 79 (again almost 80!) Low-58 (I am going to freeze to death) and rain (ugh!)
Sunday:High- 78 (I <3 warm weather ) Low-56 (I am going to freeze to death)
Monday:High- 79 (can it not just be 80? ) Low-57 (I am going to freeze to death)

Back to Minneapolis!

Tuesday:High- 77 (again eh... ) Low-59 (this does not count since I will be back in ATL where it will be 69 degrees!)


I just thought you all would like to know how that the weather report for somewhere you are not going to be and someplace that you have never heard of...haha

God = Mufasa? And Rafiki = the Holy Spirit?

So if you haven't figured it out yet, I can find God in anything. Random movies that you would never think of, any sort of music and well of course Veggie Tales. Did you ever think that God was all in The Lion King? I was watching that movie tonight while I was baby sitting and noticed a lot of things that reminded me of God/Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I have decided that Mufasa is God/Jesus and that Rafiki is the Holy Spirit and Scar is the Devil and Simba represents the people in the world. By this point you think I am crazy right? But really look, Mufasa dies/gives his life to save Simba. Scar makes Simba think that it is his fault that his father died when really Scar killed him. Then Simba runs away and Scar assumes his throne. He meets Timon and Pumba who, no matter how great they are, tell him that whatever happened in the past doesn't matter and that there is nothing he can do about it and keep him in the world living the great life. The Nala comes and finds him on "accident" and tells him what he has been going on. She tries to open his eyes and show him what is going on but he refuses to see the truth. Then him and Nala get in a fight and she gives up. Then he goes out into a field and begins to yell at the Mufasa for leaving him behind and forgetting him. Then he meets Rafiki. For this example I have a video. 2 actually.




So even though Simba calls him a creepy little monkey, he makes a valid point..."The past can hurt but, you either run from it or learn from it."

So that is my daily bible lesson using The Lion King to explain how God/Jesus loves us so much that he would do anything to protect us, he would even die for us. Then He has given us the Holy Spirit to help us and to show us things, to open our eyes and see what is right.

There you go. I hope that I have enriched your life. Maybe the next time you watch a movie you will look for God to!

Short Story....

So this is a short story that I wrote...well the beginning of it...i think that it might be turning into something longer...who knows?

Think for a second. What would you have done in my situation? Waking up in the dark, not being able to see, not knowing how you got there, where there is. There is no way out. I was trapped. I thought I was going to die in there. You would have shot him to. I don't remember where I got the gun. I guess I found it. But you would have done the same thing that I did. Shot him I mean. He was going to kill me. How do I know that? What else is a man that has the keys to the room going to do. What do you mean he could have been there to save me? There's not way. No one was going to find me in there so I know that it was the guy that put me in there. It had to be. I told you, I don't know how I got there. I woke up in there. I told you that to. I couldn't see anything because it was so dark. I have no idea how I found the gun. I just remember having it in my hand and you told me that you can prove that I did, I'm not lying about that. There is no reason to. I told you that I shot him when I walked in here. Why would I make the whole thing up? I'm not. I have no reason to. There is no reason for me to lie to you. Why would I have locked myself in a dark room, then slid the key under the door and knocked myself on the head so hard that I can't remember what happened before then. Yes I remember what happened earlier that day. I can remember that much. Some of it is fuzzy cause it was little stuff but I remember most of it. Tell you? I already told you. I didn't? I remember telling you! Why do I need to tell you again? Why do you need to record it? I will be fine. I don't think that I need to tell you what happened again. Why should I when I already have? I understand that you need to record it but why didn't you do that before, the first time? You didn't think of it? Oh. I am not sure if I can tell it exactly the same. Things seem to fade in and out of focus if I think about it to long. Ok. I will try. I will try my best to make it make sense. Yes I understand that I have to tell the truth. I have no reason to lie to you. I told you that already! Why do you keep repeating yourself? I don't think you need to do that. It is very unneces...oh right I need to tell you again so you can record it. Why do you need to record it? I want to know! Because I want to know! I know that you are not going to use it against me, I just want to know! Please just tell you...ok. There is no use in arguing about it I suppose...no point at all.

It began like any normal day would begin. I got out of bed took a shower and brushed my teeth, ate breakfast. got dressed. Not in that order but kinda in that order. I got up later than normal for some reason. It was ten thirty instead of eight thirty. I didn't have to be to work at the cafe until noon so I was still on time. By the time that I was done with my routine I still had an hour left. I was headed back upstairs when, I saw that there was a letter laying on the floor in front of the front door. That was odd since the mail normally comes at around one, I suppose, I hear the slot and the cat meows and I know that the mail is here. I really do have a cat and he meows every time that the mail slot clangs. I don't remember hearing the cat meow. I don't remember seeing the cat that morning either. I wonder where he was? He must have been upstairs. Anyway, I walked over to the letter and looked at it. Nothing but my name. No return address or stamp. Nothing. Just my name. I turned it over and over making sure I didn't miss anything. I am going to school to be a CSI, so I look at things like that. I found it very peculiar that there was none of the regular writings on this envelope. It was very peculiar. Well not that peculiar, I came to the conclusion that someone I know had slipped it in my slot. So I again began to head up the stairs. I didn't open the letter on the way up. I didn't want to trip. I am so clumsy when it comes to stairs. I fall up, down, sideways. I have to watch my feet go up the stairs so I don't have a fall. I ave been that way since I was little. The klutz of the family. I decided, once I had gotten up stairs that I was going to do something different with my hair since I had so much time on my hands before I had to be to work. The cafe is just down at the end of the street. It is like a five minute walk for me. I love working there. I have worked there for about seven years now. It pays well to. The letter was still in my hand when I walked into bathroom. I set it on the counter and looked in the mirror, then back at the letter. I picked it up and flipped it over to open it. There was some, well, what looked like gold dust around the edges. I thought that was odd and didn't know of any of my friends that could afford envelopes like this, let alone gold dust to put on them. I looked at it for a couple more seconds and then put it down again. Then I began to do my hair. About five minutes into it I realized that it was a lost cause and then picked up the envelope and went back to my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed and opened the letter. The inside of the envelope was a dark burgundy color. I pulled out the letter itself and unfolded it. The writing was in gold and whoever wrote it had excellent penmanship. I looked at it and it began to remind me of something Hannibal Lecter wrote to Clarice. I read it and this is what it said.

I need you to come outside of your home and look up the street. You will find that this will mean something to you if you do not do what I have asked you. There is going to be someone waiting for you, with someone that you know. You are to follow them to the next street and there will be more instructions for you once you reach the next street.

At the time I slumped it off and threw away the letter. I thought that it was some practical joke. Practical joke. Why do they call them that? They never see very practical. Anyway I went back down stairs and got my stuff and headed out the door. I figured that if there was someone waiting for me, that they had moved on seeing that I was not coming out. I had no idea how long the letter had been there. It could have been there since six in the morning for all I know. I began to walk to work. I was watching for people that seemed out of place. I guess that the letter had kinda spooked me in a way. I arrived at work safe and sound. No one was waiting there for me either and no one had been waiting for me on the street. I worked all day without incident as well. No one looking to get me and take me to the next street over form mine. Its funny to think about it in a way. I worked late that night. I had to close the place up that night. I was alone which is not the normal way that my boss does things. He normally has two of us close the store. We get it done faster so we are not there until early morning cleaning up. But the day had been slow and there was not really much to clean up that needed to be done. I was coming in early the next morning to open the cafe so i could finnish before anyone else got there and knew that I had slacked the night before. I put the dishes in the dish washer, grabbed my coat and purse and called it a night. Despite it being a slow day I was tired. I locked up and began the short walk back to my little town home. Nothing funny had happened that day so, I thought I knew now that it had been no more than a joke. I was about to go up my steps when someone struck me from behind. I didn't pass out right away. It starts to get fuzzy here. I remember someone dragging me back down the steps. Then I remember seeing the street that I live on and then I blacked out. The next thing that I know I woke up in this room. I couldn't see anything because it was dark. Very dark. I looked around with my hands trying to find a door. I suppose that is when I found the gun. I guess that when I was running my hands across the floor I found it. I found the door as well. I decided that I would sit on the other side of the room form the door. I didn't want them to be able to find me easily and there was maybe a chance that I could get to the other side of the room before they could find me. Unless they had a flash light or something that would light up the room. There could have been a switch on the outside of the door. I am not sure how long I sat in the room. I think that I fell asleep a couple of times so, I could have been in there for days. I am not sure. All I know is that after I had been in there for some time a man unlocked the door. I heard him turn the lock with a key. No lights came on. It was still dark. I was directly across from the door so, the light from the hall shone in the room and lit up the spot where I was sitting. He began to walk toward me with his arms out like he was going to grab me and hurt me. So I shot him. I am not sure how many times. I just shot till he fell to the ground and didn't move. Then I ran here. That is what I remember.

What do you mean do I know where I am? Of course I do. I am in the police stations in an interrogation room telling you about what happened to me. Someone kidnapped me and I escaped and I am telling you so you can go get them. Of course I know who you are. You are a detective. Yes you are and this is a police station. What do you mean its not? People saw me run in here! They were asking me if I was ok and if I needed help but I just kept running. What do you mean that my story is made up. I am not lying! Well how can it be made up but not a lie. That is what a lie is, a made up story! You know that. Of course you do. There were names in my story. I told you the name of my cat. I did! I remember telling you that his name was...why can't I remember his name? I do to have a cat! I do! I am not lying to you detective. Of course you are a detective and this is a police station interrogation room. Your a doctor? Then why are you talking to me? I need to be talking to a detective. He needs to be taking my story down so he can catch the guy. What do you mean that there is no guy? I know that I shot him but the police need to go back and get him so that they can see if he had help in all of this and they can find all of the clues! I need to speak to a detective. The letter was addressed to me, I really think that I should be telling to this to a detective and not a doctor. No offense. Why do you keep saying that there are no detectives here? This is a police station there are loads of them here! What do you mean that this is a hospital? Why am I in an interrogation room then? This is not an interrogation room? It sure looks like one. If I am in a hospital I need to get to the police. What do you mean I can't go to the police? You don't need to protect me from them. It was self defense and you don't go to jail if it was the only way for you to defend yourself. Well if you are not trying to protect me then why can't I go to the police? It did happen? I have a bump on the back of my head from where he hit me! I did not hit myself! Why would I do that? What do you mean I had a violent outburst? What does the mean? I do not have multiple personalities. I am in perfect health! I have been all of my life. I may be a klutz but that does mean that I have several people living in my head. There were names in my story! I told you the name of the cafe that I work at and the name of my cat and the name of the friend that I thought had written me the letter. Just because you don't remember them does not make me a crazy person! I am calm! Don't tell me to calm down I am calm. If none of this happened, where did I get these bruises? Why do I have these cuts on my arms and my hands? A violent outburst...no, I was attacked! And I need to leave here and get to the police. I killed a man and when they find him I don't want there to be a problem and them not know that it was in self defense. I had no choice. I was in a dark room and I did shoot someone. I did! Stop telling me that I didn't. Let go of me! Don't do that! I am not crazy let me go! I need to get to the poli....stat....they need to take my state....I need to tell them that I did....

(If you need an explanation...uh...feel free to ask...)

Matisyahu Old City Beat Box

Matisyahu - Old City Beat Box (Official Music Video) - Funny bloopers are a click away

King Without A Crown - Matisyahu

Zee you're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Say sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet
Won't be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Out of darkness comes light, twilight unto the heights
Crown Heights burnin' up all through till twilight
Said, thank you to my God, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart, and all a' my soul, and all a' my might

[Chorus (2x):]
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you now from the essence of my being
And I sing to my God, songs of love and healing
I want Moshiach now, time it starts revealing
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you now from the essence of my being
And I sing to my God, songs of love and healing
I want Moshiach now. ya

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
Want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want God but you couldn't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
Looking for help from God you say he couldn't be found
Searching up to the sky and looking beneath the ground
Like a King without his Crown
Yes, you keep fallin' down
You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown
You try to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground
Given up your pride and the you heard a sound
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Said nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Make room for his love and a fire gone blaze
Make room for his love and a fire gone blaze

[Chorus (2x):]

Yah yah, yah yah yo yah yah...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0oHAgfVgiw

I Wish You Were A Stranger I Could Disengage

I make a point to keep people out. You could be my best friend and not see the depths of my personality that I keep covered with the rugs I call beautiful. If you are not careful, you could fall into these chasms and not know who I am anymore. They should really be marked off with neon yellow caution tape or have a sigh next to them saying approach with caution. But I choose to hide them with elaborate rugs. Only the people that feel out the floor of my personality realize that there are depths of me to be explored. The ones that decide to go spelunking are the ones that I know I can keep around. But most people I make a point to keep out. The floor is uneven and holey and you could get hurt if you don't have the proper gear. Yet there are things in life that can not be kept out, no matter how hard you try. Things that you see that rip and tear at things in your life. Turning up the rugs and letting the lava underneath come to the surface to flow freely.

When you keep people out and don't really get to know them, or let them get to know the real you, you can disengage them when they go away or when they say something hurtful or when you just don't feel like spending time with them. Things get difficult when you let people in. You have to talk to them. You can't just tell them never to talk to you again when they say something hurtful, you have to talk it out and you kind of have to spend time with them so you don't hurt their feelings. You start to feel like you are tip toeing around so no toes get stepped on. Not my personality to tip toe, I just let it all out and tell you what I am thinking and feeling...so letting people in is hard for me because you have to care about them (and not say what I am thinking all the time) and you have to let them care about you. Well I like to walk normally so when people are tip toeing around me and try not to hurt my feelings with everything that they do, I sometimes just want to say "Hey, I'm a big girl, I tie my own sandals and everything.". But I don't I just let them figure it out for themselves. It saves me the trouble of explaining myself or something like that.

But then letting all the people around you, that you call your friends be strangers, is not a good thing either. Being able to disengage with people when it gets hard is needed sometimes but doing it all the time is not a good thing I have learned. Some people are worth being let in. And not just the ones that go spelunking when they find a cave in the floor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpiEEl_5pmA

Uhhh...New Favorite Song...

Jackson

Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around,
Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson,
Look out Jackson town.

Well, go on down to Jackson; go ahead and wreck your health.
Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,
You're goin' to Jackson; go comb your hair!
Honey, I'm gonna snowball Jackson.
See if I care.

When I breeze into that city, people gonna stoop and bow. (Hah!)
All them women gonna make me, teach 'em what they don't know how,
I'm goin' to Jackson, you turn-a loose-a my coat.
'Cos I'm goin' to Jackson.
"Goodbye," that's all she wrote.

But they'll laugh at you in Jackson, and I'll be dancin' on a Pony Keg.
They'll lead you 'round town like a scalded hound,
With your tail tucked between your legs,
You're goin' to Jackson, you big-talkin' man.
And I'll be waitin' in Jackson, behind my Jaypan Fan,

Well now, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I'm goin' to Jackson, and that's a fact.
Yeah, we're goin' to Jackson, ain't never comin' back.

Well, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout'
And we've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went...

[To Fade]

Be

Be still my beating heart
For I can not sleep, I can not think, I can not see
Be still so I may know my thoughts
Be still so my mind can work and and process
Slow thy ever fastening pace so that I can breathe
In
iod.
Out
he.
In
ve.
Out
he.
Calm thy self so that I may be able to see what is around me and take it all in
And not just whiz by in a flash of beats
Come back to the rhythm that you once had
Keep me alive and keep beating at that pace of which I am accustomed
Stop this tempo and makes these haphazard beats
Become a sweet cadence once again
Tell me that this was all drivel that expelled from my mouth
Be still my beating heart

But no my heart responds
It says that this is new, this is fun, this is real
This is the pace that I was meant to beat at
I was not meant to be held in this one meter that is mediocre
I was meant to fly and sing loud, not to be held by the killing ache that made me break
No, no I will not be still
For I have found what I was meant to do
I was meant to feel, I was meant to chant, I was meant to love and be loved
So no I will no be still
For the mind is good to know other things
But of this I know far more than any gray matter between your ears
I feel the drums deep in your heart place that have come alive with this ever resonating song
And I feel the thunder shake the foundation of these dusty walls
So no I will not be still
For I am alive


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibzvBFM8igE

Is it raining? Or am I just thinking that?

I love the rain. I always have. It makes me feel like something bigger than me is out there. I know that there is but the rain makes me feel it. Thunderstorms make me feel it. Lightning makes me see it. I love to see and hear and feel. The rain that you see. The thunder that you hear. The drops that you feel on your skin. The light that you see flying from the sky. The drops that you hear hitting the landscape. The vibrations that you feel in your deep in your heart. Knowing that it could kill you doesn't even enter my mind when I sit outside in the rain and watch this vehement titan. The wind blows violently, tossing things up and down, from left to right. It howls. The lightning that falls from the sky, maybe starting a fire somewhere or maybe knocking over a tree. It crashes down and lights up the sky. The thunder is my favorite part. When I was little it frightened me. My grandpa told me that it was the angels in heaven bowling or moving furniture. That would make me feel better knowing that it was nothing that would harm me making the noise. Now that I am older and I know the scientific explanation for thunder, I have no reason to be afraid of it. I love it. I love the loud cracking, booming thunder that shakes the entire house or the ground that you are standing on and you feel it deep in your chest, in your heart place. I think that is why I like drums. I can feel it deep in my chest. I love everything about a storm. When people see the damage it can cause, I see the beauty and the cleaning power or such a storm. Then why is it when I go through a "storm" in my life that thunder that is so enticing, becomes scary again. Or why does the lightning become a hazard that can only send trees falling though your roof? Why do I lose that sense of wonder that I had for storms such as this? And why do I forget that there is something bigger than me that is letting this storm happen and the I forget that through the thunder I can feel that there is something bigger than me out there, holding onto me...

Restless

Not sleeping. Not knowing. Not seeing. Not hearing. Wanting. Needing.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I can't sleep. Its not insomnia because I am tired, I just can't sleep. Sounds kinda like insomnia I suppose, maybe not, I don't know. I get into to bed and lay there. I think. Sometimes I think of important things. Most of the time it is one thought, that most wouldn't give a second thought, that snowballs into a avalanche. I normally write down my thoughts and then move on. Lately I am not sure if these thoughts warrant being written down. They have been written before and writing them again would just seem to be overkill. So I have just let them roll around in my head and they have begun to keep me awake again. So now I have begun to fall asleep when my body is so tired, I pass out. Which causes me to be tired and just gives me a headache. I am not sure what to do but breathe. Which is all I really know how to do anymore.

I watched a video a day or two ago and it hit me. That maybe all I need to do is just to breathe. Maybe that is all I need to do. Watch the videos and decide for yourself. See what you think. Is it just enough to breathe and know that He is there right next to me?

God is bigger than the boogie man?

Leave it to Veggie Tales to drive the point home.

Lately I have been having issues trusting in God. Things, from my point of view, seem to have been getting out of control. I have been looking for a steady job since school got out back in May. There has been nothing. I have applied to so many places, some more than once, and placed so many phone calls or sent so many e-mails, that I have lost all count. I have had some babysitting jobs but only being paid $20 a week is not cutting it. With my car being broken which cost $650 to be fixed (and thanks to God and my parents and my grandparents and myself that I have been able to get it fixed but that took all the money that was supposed to last me for awhile.), $20 a week is not cutting it...but I am grateful for it. I also have to pay off some of my school bill that loans and such didn't cover. So money is short and I have many bills right now.

Now, I am normally a pretty positive person and have no problem trusting that God will take care of me and all that entails. But as of late, its been very hard for me to do that. The control freak in me has been coming out for a visit. I tried so hard to beat down this control freak for a long time, now it is coming back with a vengeance and I am having a hard time just letting go and beating it and not being that way. But tonight as I am baby sitting, I popped in Veggie Tales for the kids to watch. It just so happened to be "Where's God When I'm Scared?" and if you grew up watching Veggie Tales, you know it has the song "God is Bigger Than the Boogie Man" in it. Well, of course that goofy little kid song would drive the point, that God has been trying to make to me for months, home. Of course...

Well I have noticed that things are getting better. I had a job interview today, I think that I have one Friday and depending on what happens Friday, I will have one on Wednesday. So you know what...

As I'm lying in my bed...
And the furniture starts creaking...
I'll just laugh and say "Hey! Cut that out!" and get back to my sleeping
For I know that God is biggest and He's watching all the while
So when I get scared I'll think of Him and close my eyes and smile

Cause God is bigger than the boogie man
He's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on TV
OH God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me

ONE MORE TIME!! (repeat as many times as you deem necessary...)

((The sad part about all of this is that I wrote that from memory...yeah...I can quote Veggie Tales from memory...I also know "His Cheeseburger" "Where is My Hairbrush?" "Barbra Matinee" "and "The Water Buffalo Song" by heart....yeah I know...don't judge me....))

Jon & Kate +8 -Jon? -Kate? Wait. What?

So what prompted this blog? Well, if you must know...Jon & Kate +8. Now I have not been the biggest fan of this show and really just started watching it this past December. I really liked it. I like Kate, I thought that she was just shy of super mom for raising all of those kids. She was a little controlling and a tad OCD but I thought well you kinda have to be with that many kids. You have to want everything to be clean and you have to want to see things get done around the house if you want to have a house and not a pig sty...so I could even get past that. Jon was like the exact opposite of Kate cool, calm and collected. He was her other half...the half she was missing but none the less her other half and they seemed to go great together, they seemed happy. Jon had rumors come out that he was cheating and that was all that really came out and I thought ok, wrong place wrong time, not really what it seems, he wouldn't do that. Then it came out that Kate mas money hungary and crazy and I was like ok maybe she is a little crazy but I am not sure that she is money hungary. Then came this seasons premire and all hell had broken loose while the cameras weren't rolling. If you keep up with the show and all of the gossip crap like I do then you knok all or the stuff that has been said and all the stuff that has come out. And then you found out that all of it is probably true.

So now I have some things that I want to say becasue I need to vent...so if you don't want to read my venting and rantings about this show then go no further...I have no problem with all of the cosmetic stuff and the tanning and the teeth whitening and all that crap. John can pierce his ears at 32, I don't care. If they want to do it whatever. Its their lives and if they want to screw up all I can do is pray for them and move on. But here are my ventings....

#1. You can say that you do the show for your kids, so that you can provide for them and make sure that they will never have to go without anything ever. But do not say that you are going to get a divorce for your kids. Do not. That is a no. A divorce is never for the kids, it is for yourself because you can't stand the other person that you are with. In my eyes divorce is a selfish act. You are not doing it for anyone but you. The kids do not benefit from it. If anything it hurts them. I think that you should know that this is the person that you are going to marry. You need to know. I know that there is no way to know but you need to say at some point before you get married that this is it. I need to love this person no matter what and it is my choice to love this person daily. But if you have to get a divorce don't tell anyone that it is for your kids. Because it is not. And you know Kate sometimes you have to stop saying that this is for your kids and that this is for me. I think that if you keep saying that this is for your kids over and over and over you sound like you are trying to convince yourself and that you are trying to convince yourself. This is going to be the last thing that I say I think...I saw this coming at the end of last season. The problems were starting then and they were denounced as rumors. I thought that they should have taken a season off. The fans would have been there when they came back if they ever did come back on television. Sometimes you have to take time to make everything about you and your husband and not "for your kids". When you look at a picture close up, all you can see is that small piece of the picture. You can't see the big picture. I really think that they should have taken time off and stepped back from the picture and taken a good look.

Now I have said my peace and you can disagree but that is how I look at it.

Birthing Gideon Part 2

Before all of this changing stuff started I had become really sarcastic. Not that I am not sarcastic by nature but I had become mean sarcastic. Maybe just flat out mean. Not mean to everyone but I had my moments where I was not who I wanted to be and didn't know that to do. I just fell back into my default and you know I can fake it with the best of them. I can hide it all and act like I am ok and I can fool all the people around me. No one ever knows what it really just below the surface. I have met maybe three people that can see below the surface and one of them is my mom...she grew up with me and she knows me very well. Anyway, I had become this person that I did not want to be and I was unaware how I got there. I didn't want to be there. Then I began to have insane dreams and it was all pulled out from under me and I began to realize things about me and why I was where I was.

So this idea of a broken little girl has been here for a long time. I am not really sure when I realized that all I really am is a broken little girl. But I have been for a long time now. I put on a great front, even to myself. I am not all that I thought I was...well I am all that I thought I was just didn't have it all together like I thought I did and probably a lot of people thought I did. I am weak. I am frail. I am angry. I thought that the anger made me strong and held me up. I was wrong. It made me weaker and drug me down. Like I have said before that anger shattered me and harmed me more than it helped me. My life has not been hard by any means. But when you have daddy issues that gives you a whole new gambit of issues that you discover through the years. Its kinda like getting that sweater at Christmas that you want to return but you can't because it will hurt someone's feelings. I think that is exactly like that actually. You want to work the issues out but that involves hurting someone's feelings. Not to mention yours. You step on their feelings and they step on yours and you do it until the issues are worked out. Only right now I am stepping, no, stomping on my own toes. And it hurts like hell. But you know these issues have to be worked out if I want to heal and not be this broken little girl that I have been for a long time.

(Not sure that it makes sense but I needed to get this out of my brain...)

Family

Birthing a Gideon out of a Broken Little Girl

I think that I am beginning to get this whole Gideon thing, I think. I could be be way out in left field somewhere but I have a good feeling about this. I have read and re-read Judges chapters six through eight. I have come to the conclusion that something is going on with me. I almost completely (probably completely) identify with Gideon.

In chapter six verse thirteen it says "Gideon says to Him 'O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying 'Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?' But now the Lord has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.'" I am constantly asking God where he is and maybe he would like to fill me in on some of the things that he is doing at some point. I constantly think well Lord, if aall of this happened why can't you do this one little thing for me? HELLO?? Needless to say He doesn't answer me when we talk like that. Our conversations seem to be a little one sided some times. I do a lot of the talking. I think that He is just waiting for me to get it all out and then we'll come back to it. Just go ahead and vent and get it all out Alyssa and then we can talk. Maybe He was doing the same thing with Gideon when he didn't answer him when he asked the Lord where he had been. He just kinda looks at him.

It contiunes in verse 25 saying that the Lord tells Gideon to take his fathers second best bull and to pull down the altar to Baal then to rebuild an altar to God in its place. But then use the remains of the altar to Baal to feed the fire for the offering to God. "Ummm...excuse me God but ummm...about that...I can do all that uh but let me go and get about ten people or so to help me with that and the I think that I might take a nap and when I get up and make sure that it is dark outside and then we'll get on that..." Well I more or less think that is how it went. And that is what would have been said if God had appeared to me and asked me to do that. I am not to big on doing things on my own. I like to do things with other people. I like them to help me. But God didn't tell Gideon to go get ten people to help him. God told him to go and tear down the idol on his own. Not gonna lie but, I like my life and I would have done the same exact thing as Gideon did. There is no way I would have gone by myself and torn down an idol that maybe a couple hundred people worship at. There would have been Alyssa for dinner. But if you have ten other people, there are people to back you up in that you did and you can keep on living. God has called me to a country that not many people are called to. No one and I mean no one want s to live in Haiti. You might think that you do but once you get there and are there for a little while, you might not think that this was such a good idea anymore. The electricity only works...well not even half the time more like a forth or the time...maybe not even that. No one really wants to live there. But if you know me you know that I really truly want to. And that is totally a God thing. But if that is where I am supposed to be, I have to be willing to do things on my own and go alone. I have to learn how to lead and to rely on God always. I can not always rely on others to be there with me. Not everyone is cut out to live in Haiti or to even go to Haiti (I am not saying don't go if you want to I am just saying pary...A LOT). I realize now that might be the only one that is called to what I am supposed to do. You think that I sould get that already...I am the obly one that can do what God has called me to do, not the ten people that I want to come with me. I have just now really come to the realization. I have been called to do all of these things that I talk and think about not my friends.

Gideon went on to be a great leader. He defeated the Midianites and there was peace under his forty yeah reign. Maybe I can do that but I think that I'll just stick to Haiti...

A rambling that you really don't need to read

Well I seem to ramble a lot and I am not sure if I make sense...I don't really get a lot of feedback from people (if any) that read my blog. But if you get into a long conversation with me and I start to think and talk at the same time I begin to ramble. When I say think and talk at the same time (I think that this statement needs clarifying, because all people think and talk at the same time...well mostly...), I mean that I begin to think very in depth about what is being said and I begin to voice my thoughts and I begin to ramble. If my thought process could be heard I am not sure that many people would never talk to me. I think how I write and I ramble when I think and I am really not sure how to separate the two...I don't really care either. But if you read my blog and think that I am rambling and not really seeming to resolve anything and I just seem to be confused, fear not! When I ramble that means I am thinking and if I am thinking I resolve things for myself even if the blog does not seem to resolve to any conclusion but just seems to end like more needs to be said. Thats what I feel happens sometimes. I just stop typing and I think about it and have no more to say so I just stop typing . So again I find myself rambling and I am thinking and I am going to stop.

(If you read this and thought you should read it and you feel like you have lost a few iq points...I believe that I told you in the title that you didn't need to read it...just sayin...)

Blip

So the family is here! Yay me!...anyway they are here safe for all of you that care to know. Oh happy day!! I am really excited, if you can't tell. They are going to be here for like a week or so and it is going to be so much fun!!

I'm so happy!

Marketing Mistake?

So I was thinking of a blog to write or just something to write about. I am not sure why I felt the need to write. Normally if I don't have a topic I just wait till I do or wait until I feel like I do and just ramble. But anyway I got to thinking about a odd topic. I am not sure if it is only odd to me but maybe you find it odd as well. It is something that I have thought about before but never given any serious thought. Well by now you are probably wondering what this topic is. Well here it is: with all the things that pull away children from their fathers in this world, why would God tell us or call himself a father? It just seems funny to me.

I first started thinking about this when I was reading Blue Like Jazz (great book. read it now!) and Donald Miller said it. This is what he says: "My father left home when I was young, so when I was introduced to the concept of God as a father I imagined him as a stiff, oily man who wanted to move into our house and share a bed with my mother. I can only remember this as a frightful and threatening idea. We were a poor family who attended a wealthy church, so I imagined God as a man who had a lot f money and drove a big car. At church they told us we were children of God, but I knew God's family was better than mine, the He had a daughter that was a cheerleader and a son who played football. I was born with a small bladder so I wet the bed till I was ten and later developed a crush on the homecoming queen who was kind to me in a political sort of way, which is something she probably learned from her father, who was the president of a bank. And so from the beginning, the chasm that separated me from God was a deep as wealth and as wide as fashion. ...Today I wonder why it is God refers to himself as 'Father' at all. This, to me, in the light of earthly representation or the role seems a marketing mistake."

I think that it is a marketing mistake. I have...well...not the best relationship with my father. We talk and hang out but it is not really a relationship that goes beyond surface level. My parents divorced when I was three and my dad has been in my life more at some times and less at others. But he has never left completely. Now that I am getting older it is hard to have a relationship with him because he still thinks that I am five. He knows that I am not but he still treats me like it. I find it annoying. I can't stand it really. So thinking of God as my dad has been hard to say the least. I find it hard to do it sometimes because I do, now, think of Him as my father and the one who will always be there for me no matter what, just like a father should. But I still seem to find a hesitation in my heart to give in to that completely. I think that is one of the things that I am supposed to be working on this summer. Maybe that is why I have been pulled away from everything so that I can realize that God is right there. Always will be. No matter what. But getting away from my daddy issues, there are so many other people that go through not being able to be truly close to God because they have bad relationships with their fathers.

I am really not sure where I am going with this. I really think that I am just asking the question.

Why do you think that God calls Himself a father in a fatherless world? Is it a marketing mistake?

Becoming Gideon

Ok so this whole changing thing is something that I really don't get and I feel like I am falling back into what I used to be. All I really can "sense or feel" of this change is that I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I have begun to feel like the cat from Pinocchio. Not the original story but the one from the movie who so happens to be named Gideon. This cat is a moron. He is a mute and he is crafty but most of the time he just does stupid things that the fox "Honest" John tells him to do and he does not do it well. Like when he is supposed to get Pinocchio to play hooky from school...he tries to beat him with a mallet to make him go the right way...really? He falls all over himself and has the hiccups all the time. Moron. Now I am not a moron and I am obviously not a mute. But when you don't know what to say to anyone for a week straight you begin to feel like a moron. When you don't know how to explain how you are feeling at that moment and it is clear that something is wrong but you can't voice it, you begin to feel like a mute. When someone asks you why you are crying and all you can says is i don't know you begin to feel like a moron because you know perfectly well why you are crying you just become a mute. Changing into something new or finally realizing and becoming what you are supposed to be is hard. You have no idea what is happening to you and you begin to feel like a moron and a mute. You can't comprehend anything and you can't voice anything either. Things just don't seem to make sense and the fact that you have no one close by that you feel comfortable talking to makes things even more difficult. Maybe God is making me rely on Him for once instead of my support system that I keep around me. So I am going to rely on God and trust that this change is for the best but I do not like feeling like a moronic, mute cat.

Raising a Gideon

So I am pretty sure that raising me was no simple task. Shoot my mom an e-mail and ask her if you like. I have been a headstrong and stubborn all of my life. If you know me now you can attest to the fact that I still am and I don't deny it. I have always also been very independent. I have always wanted to do things for myself and know that I can do it by myself, ask my step-dad, he knows all to well.

Lately I have been reevaluating my headstrong, independent, stubborn ways. I believe that I was born that way or maybe I can blame my mother cause she is the same way. I think that I have been reevaluating the independent part more than the other two. I have know that I can do things myself my entire life and don't tell me that I can't do something. I will either prove you wrong or hurt myself trying. Telling me I can't do something is like challenging me. I automatically go "uh-huh...watch me." Good attitude towards some things but not towards others. I think that I have taken it to the point of thinking I can do things without God. If you know me you know that I love God with all my heart and you can see that in my life. I try to do things with God but then just end up doing it on my own.

As of late I have been dreaming a lot again. Most people dream about simple things and they don't wake up from their dreams going "What the @$%& was that all about?" And then you try to figure it out and you have to ask someone because God won't let you go Lone Ranger and figure it out on your own. Anyway my dreams are certifiably insane. If people knew half of my dreams they might begin to question my sanity. The other night I had a crazy ass dream and I don't want to go into details but the name Gideon came up. I like that name, I want to name one of my kids that one day. The dream involves me having a baby and his name is Gideon. Well I have asked a couple people about it and the general consensus is that I am Gideon but I am also myself in the dream (If you want to know about the dream feel free to ask...). Curiosity peeked by this consensus I have been researching about Gideon. Well he was the guy with the fleece...right? He was really much more than that.

Gideon was called a mighty man of valor by God. It seems like God is mocking him because Gideon is a poor farmer and his family was the least in the Manasseh. I mean dead last. And he was the youngest and the weakest. God told him that he would deliver Israel from Midian. Well needless to say he was a little ummm how shall I put this...unbelieving. He didn't exactly think that God was with his people anymore and thought that God had forsaken them. I have been reading this study that I printed out and it says that God know that He can and will deliver them, but He is firstly interested that they see what the root cause of their bondage is so that they don't have to keep the cycle of sin and repentance going. And Baal was the problem and so were the Midianites. And to make a long stroy short (if you want the long version, Judges chapters 6-8) he delivers the Israelites from Baal and the Midianites.

Reading this study, I realize that the consensus about my dream is probably true. I can identify with Gideon. He is weak, humble and sometimes fearful of the things that God has called him to do. Aren't we all? But I have ben that way for a long time. I am humble in the fact that I know God is doing things threw me and not the other way around. But the weakness part is hard for me. I know that I am weak but that is one thing I will never admit or never used to. I have found myself in a place that I am not sure how I got here. Just like Gideon I have been asking "God if you are with me then where the hell are you exactly??" And you know my world has kinda been rocke the last couple of weeks not just with things that hurt but all of the aspects of my life. All of the ways I have been doing things and how I am are being rocked. God hasn't exactly answered my questions, just like he didn't exactly answer Gideon's. I am more or less hearing shut up and wait. And or fear of this getting to long I am going to have to just say that it was not an easy task to raise me and now God is changing me. He is re-raising me to be a Gideon. He is raising me up to do the things that he has called me to do. He had to take all the things that distract me away from me to show me that. God has to sometimes has to do things in a painful way to get you to listen to him. So now I unnderstand this summer a little more I guess and am just going to try to listen and wait....

(Again forgive me if I rambled but its my blog...)

Falling Apart fo Forgiveness

Forgiveness. You here about it all the time. Seemingly from everyone all around you. They say that it is something that needs to be done all the time. God forgives us daily of all the things that we do and we should forgive others of there trespasses against us or something like that. I have been told that if people would forgive each other, that could solve a lot of problems. Now I am not saying that it couldn't but it is easier said than done and I am not going to get into some debate on my blog about it either.

Forgiveness is easier said then done. I have heard all the talk, you know that since I listed it above...haha...anyway, for me it has always been easier said than done. I am not one that is quick to forgive. Never have been and never thought that I would be. I say that I forgive people but then I tend to hold onto it and hide the fact that I do. Not just for a little while but for a long ass time. I hold onto things until it is too hard to forgive and by that time it is to late because it has become a part of me and to let go of it would hurt me in some way more than the original act, that caused the anger, did. Its not the act that I hold onto but the anger that has been given to me by the act. That anger has made me strong and to let go of it is going to make me weak. I have had issuse with being weak. I don't like to feel that way, helpless. That is why I tend to hold onto anger about little, stupid, pointless things. For me unforgiveness has made me selfish. I hold onto the anger to "help" me and to make myself stronger and I don't care who I hurt in the process. I am not sure why I thought that anger made me strong. I said that letting go of the anger would hurt me more than it would help me, which means that it has really been hurting me all along. All the people over my life that have hurt me are nothing compared to the hurt that I have done myself by hanging onto all the anger that I have. It has taken me seventeen years to figure that out. I believe that seventeen years ago is when all my anger issues started. How can that be Alyssa, you were three?? If you know me you would know that my parents got divorced when I was three. Even though I was little and didn't understand what was going on around me, anger crept in and was waiting for me. I have been angry at my dad for leaving all my life and I have been angry at my mom to some degree and I was mad at my step-dad for coming in and closing the door for my dad to ever come back, I was just mad at the world. But to what end is that going to fix anything? It only stresses realationships and makes things difficult and hurts all the parties involved. I have had anger issuses all of my life and have learned how to keep them under control but, I don't just want them to be under control anymore, I want them to go away. Far away. I said that unforgiveness is what has lead me to be angry. Holding onto that anger has made me strong. The truth is that anger has made me weak and crippled me to the point of thinking that I can't let it go without falling apart. It has given me a hard heart that now has beome to heavy to carry anymore. I have to forgive my dad for leaving, I have to forgive my mom for whatever it was that she did in the first place to make me angry, and I have to forgive my step-dad for not doing really anything. I have to forgive all the hurt in my life if I want to move on with my life. And maybe I need to fall apart since I seem like I have everything together. Maybe making a new foundation is better than filling in the cracks with something that is only going to sent them deeper and make them wider.

Things that have recently happened to me have taught me this. I thought that it was stupid to forgive things quickly, only becasue I never have. I am trying to understand how I am able to be quick to forgive but have to say that I really don't becasue I never have really forgiven many things in my life. I mean I have but only after many years and through lots of prayer.

Don't harden your heart.
I won't because a hard heart is to heavy.

(Forgive me if I rambled, I write how I think and I tend to ramble to myself a lot...)

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon (you should check them out...just sayin)

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see
painted faces fill the places i can't reach

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

off in the night,
while you live it up, i'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

i hope it's gonna make you notice
i hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me

go and let it out
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody

i've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see

Untitleable

Forget what you have seen and forget what you have heard. Things can fall out from under you and change the course of everything. Causing you to fall and hit the ground that you forgot was there. You crash you burn. You don't feel like yourself because you have changed so radically while you were up wherever you fell from. Nothing seems the same. There is a part of you that was brought out by this radical change that you want deeply to embrace. But is hard to embrace that change when you can't seem to find that thing or that side of you that comes out of you, when you can't seem to find where you keep that part of you. You keep it somewhere, where no one could find it. But incidentally you can't seem to find it either after it has been hidden. You begin to realize that you need someone else to help you find that part of you that you long so deeply to embrace. You are not sure why it is hidden to where you can't find it alone but maybe it has something to do with being hurt in the past. Being hurt makes you hide things so that you can't even find them because you don't want people to see that so they can't hurt you again or so no one else can hurt that part of you. You want to make yourself invulnerable. I think it makes you do that, hide things very well that is, because you want that person to come along that is willing to help you find those things and is honestly surprised that those things, about you, are there. But then you are stuck hiding and waiting.

...and thats the problem

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way I listen.

I hate the way you drive me crazy,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your dumb black dress shoes

and the way you can read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me crazy,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way I always know your right,

I hate it when you leave.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close,

not even a little bit,

not even at all.

...and thats the problem.

My newest video...God's Plumbline Promotion...haha

Dear Lord Baby Jesus...

So I have learned as of late that things get hard when you aren't praying or reading your bible. Thigs creep in that you didn't realize were there. I seem to become a little paranoid about some things. I begin to think that God doesn't hear what I say. That he doesn't see me when I cry. That he doesn't feel it when I hurt. That he doesn't care to hear me, care to wipe away my tears and that he doesn't care that I hurt. Well coming off of feeling that way you realize that God is dealing with something inside of you that you have repressed. Thats that conclusion that I have come to anyway. I have so many things that I have repressed and made go away. They really didn't go away. They just sat there and got bigger and meaner and they are ready when I am weak. They rear their ugly heads when I have stopped reading my Bible and spending time with God. They know that if they hit me then that I will not be ready and they can hurt me. And let me tell you they hit you where you are insecure. There are a couple of things in my life right now that I am feeling insecure about. I am sure it is mainly due to lack of good communication but I am not sure and that is where they hit me. My doubt. Making me assume the worst about the good things in my life. The great and wonderful things that have happened to me as of late. There is something that doesn't want me to do these things. Considering that I need my car to do them, my car has been temporarialy put out of order. First I got in a accident...easily fixed. Thanks pop!! Then yesterday my transmission began to slip and has been for awhile apparently. Without a car, I can't work. Without a car, I can't go anywhere. Well I flipped yesterday. I cried harder than I have cried in a long time and just needed someone to hug me and hold me and tell me that it was going to be ok. Of course anyone that would do that for me happens to not be in this country right now. But I really love my mommy so I called her yesterday and told her what happened and she told me that she would have my step-dad call and put the inssurance on their car so that I can use it until they get here. I know right!! I really love my mom. She is pretty great. Now I can work and go do the things that i want to do!! I was so happy and I cried even harder. But there are still other things that need to be taken care of and I intend to do that but while I am reading my bible and walking with God. Cause we all know that I trip a lot over flat surfaces but without him I would fall flat on my face every time I tripped.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With The Best Intentions

Picture a man that is well spoken, charismatic and well liked by the people around him. He is a well educated and has traveled the world. He can speak English, Italian, Hebrew and Spanish perfectly. When he speaks to people they hear him and understand what he is saying and his message is social change and he says that they people have the tools to make this change. He works with street children and has a boys home called Family is Life. He takes the boys in and gives them a place to live. Because of these great things, there was an assassination attempt on his life. The people around him built up an iron wall to protect this man that was so important to the people. He went into hiding and even as he hid he was the loudest voice that the people could hear. This man was also a catholic priest. He had his sermons broadcast all over the radio and to find his church all you had to do was follow the crowd. He is quoted as saying "The solution is revolution, first in the spirit of the Gospel; Jesus could not accept people going hungry. It is a conflict between classes, rich and poor. My role is to preach and organize....". This man really wanted a change to come about. The Catholic church chastised him for such a message. Saying that it incited violence. But in his church he represented the voice of the poor man, the oppressed man that had never had such a voice before. He was the popular voice. Elections came around and this man entered the race. The people were so excited that you could have plugged your blender in and made a smoothie there was so much electricity emanating from them. Even the people who were usually disinterested in the elections turned upside down in their excitement. He named his campaign the flood, the avalanche, the torrent of unity. He was humble and denied wanting the presidency unless it was what the people wanted. He won with 67% of the vote, so he must have been what the people wanted. Four years after he was elected he left the priesthood. But we are getting ahead in the story. A little over seven months after he was elected president there was a coup. Our man went into exile in Venezuela and then in the United States. In 1994, with the help of the United States he returned to his country and served the rest of his term in office. His disbanded the army and established a civilian police force. His first term ended in February two years later, and the constitution did not allow him to serve consecutive terms. There was some dispute over whether he should be allowed to serve the three years he had lost in exile prior to new elections, or whether his term in office should instead be counted strictly according to the date of his inauguration; it was decided that the latter should be the case. He did not serve the years he had missed in exile. But it was not over for him. He again became president. Then after he had been in office again for three years there was another coup and he was forced into exile again. This time going to Jamaica and South Africa. He has remained in South Africa ever since. There was a glimmer of hope that he would return when an ally of his was elected president but due to extenuating circumstances there has been no time table set for his return to his country. About this election of his ally he is quoted as saying "a selection in which the knife of treason was planted in the back of the people."

This man we have been talking about is named Jean Bertrand Aristide leader of The Lavalas Party in Haiti. He was a man that was seen to be the savior of Haiti. A man that could really turn the country around. He worked with street children and was a memeber of the Catholic priesthood. How could he do anything but good? He was ousted three times. He served from February 7, 1991 – September 30, 1991 and then October 12, 1994 – February 7, 1996 an then his final term was February 7, 2001 – February 29, 2004. The last time he was ousted he was in the city of Gonaievs rededicating the nation back to Voodoo. He was almost killed due to the uprising of people that wanted him gone.

Happy Birthday To Me!!

So I am now 20 years old. Its not really all that different than being 19 but I am not a teenager anymore so that is weird. It is a little weird not being a teenager considering that I have been one for 6 years.

I got to go to dinner at Carabba's for dinner tonight and tomorrow I get to go to Outback...yay me!! I got a external hard drive so that I can back up my computer so that if (prays to God not) my computer's hard drive fails again or something else happens to it I can have all of my stuff on a seperate hard drive. And I can have a crazy amount of pictures on it and music! I got a pair of Toms shoes and a new Haiti bag and a Haiti shirt. So good times. And my grandma is making me a chocolate cake with cool whip frosting and strawberries...my favorite!

So I had a good and am having/had a good birthday!

Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me!!

Mothers

Why is a person such as a mother so important on the life of a child? That is an excellent question considering that 9 times out of 10 they seem to be a problem. They get in the way of what you want to do and what you think you should do. They tell you things like clean your room and get your crap out of the living room or get your crap out of the middle of the floor. You do it but you are thinking "One of these days...I'm not sure but one of these days!" and that is as far as you ever get because no matter how old you get your mother can still beat you in a fight. No matter how big you may get and how small she may stay...you will lose.

I realize that we take mothers for granted. I think that traveling around Haiti has made me see that. You may say that I am wrong and that fathers are taken for granted and they are but that is not what I am talking about. Your mother is the one that cares for you and makes sure that you are up in the morning and throws a fit when your hair bow won't stay in your hair at the age of 3 and they blog about the fact that you now have a boyfriend (what do you mean your mother's never done that last one? That's not a normal thing??). She is also the one that makes sure you are fed at the right times and the one that makes sure you are continuing to eat once you leave for college. She is the one that has mini meltdowns when she can't talk to you for two months because your computer is broken. In Haiti I am not sure that mothers do any of that. They birth you and then form there I think that you might be on your own. There are a few that keep up with you for the rest of your life and try to do there best to raise you with what they have but the reality is that most of the mothers are single and there is no one else to take care of the kids so they are left at home alone or with a brother or sister while mom goes out to make money. Family is not a big deal in Haiti. You have relatives but not family like we think of it. We have sit down dinners and we talk and we all live together as a family. Not so much in Haiti. You mom and your sister may live here while you dad and your two brothers live there and then you live up over there. We all live together. Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters.

I don't think that I realized how much I took my mother for granted until she wasn't here last year for my birthday. That was the first time she hadn't been around for my birthday in 18 years. She had been there for every single one. I didn't get to talk to her for maybe more than five minutes, maybe. Its not that I didn't appreciate all that she did for me all the time it was just that I never realized how much I really loved my mother and how much I missed her and how much she really meant to me.

With my birthday being in 2 days I am without my mother again. And I swear if Skype messes up on Tuesday there are going to be some serious problems and I might have to punch something.

Happy Early Birthday to ME!!!

Making My Mother Cry

So normally this has bad connotations. When you make your mother cry, you normally have done something really bad. Well that is not so with my mother. She doesn't cry when you do something really bad, she gets angry. But that is not what I am talking about...no need to go there. My mother seems to cry about the dumbest things. She cries when you graduate form high school, she cries when she you get her a sappy card, she cries when she misses you play softball...I know. Needless to say she cries a lot. But the good part about that is that you know when you got her a good gift. 

It is really funny when I make my mother cry (not that its funny to watch her cry...falling is another story...another inherited trait, form my mother...). I should expect it when I get her presents or do something that is sappy or sentimental but I don't. So everytime I make her cry its more like oh brother. 

I am not sure why she randomly cries some days but I think that I have inherited this...thing. I seem to cry a lot lately. I cry when I think about Haiti...normal. I have started to cry about random things like sappy cards...I never cry about sappy cards. Yeah...never say never. I learned that a long time ago but I didn't think that rule applied to turning into my mother. It apparently does. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be everything that my mother is...but the fact that I am turning into my mother is really funny to me. 

Anyway...Happy Belated Mothers Day my wonderful crying mother...haha!

What its like to have your iPod mock you

So if you know me at all you would know that I really don't miss people. But when I do miss people say like my mom I really miss them. I don't normally miss my mom all the time but I have my days. I get a tad pitiful and sad. Its like I am 5 again and my mom is at work and not with me but I am going to be 20 soon and she is in Haiti...anyway today was one of those days but I realized that I am going to miss Scott a lot. I hate this. When I miss someone I want nothing more than to be with them and just see their face. But I can't and that makes me sad and pitiful. My iPod likes to point out this fact or atleast while I was driving down to ATL it did. It played song after song that made me think about Scott and how much I am going to miss him this summer and I kept looking at it and saying REALLY! It was bad, I think that it is going to be banned from playing music for awhile. Then to top it all off after it was done mocking the fact that I am going to miss Scott it began to mock the fact that I am going to miss all of my other friends too...needless to say my iPod and I are not on speaking terms right now.

Lamou vire tet

Love turns your head around

Only love could provoke such a statement like this one. What else could turn your head around? Noise? You look to see where the noise came form or what made the noise but I think that this goes deeper than that. It says turn your head around not just turn your head. Love can pull you out of all sorts of things. Love can conquer fear and hate. Inconvience and anger. Love changes the way that you see and the way that you think.

Love can show an orphan the world before them. That there is more to life than rejection and abandonment. Love can teach a mother how to care for her children in a way that she never understood. It can also show her that those that took the time to teach her this new way of caring, love her more than she could imagine. In turn that woman can turn the teachers head around and give her or show her what her purpose in life really, truly is. Giving her the tools in life to change another woman's or orphan's life.

Love is not always what we think that it is. It could be a random act of kindness performed on the street by a passing stranger. Especially when they don't think that anyone, let alone you, will stop to help them. It could also be a photographer taking a picture of a boy in the street and then, being so moved by the sight of him that, she goes back home and tells the story, his story, to everyone she knows or sees. She may not even know the boys name or see him again but she has his picture and she can show them because that boy in the street turned her head around.

I think that turning your head around has more to do with the way you think and changing the way that you think. It's a Haitian saying so that could be completely wrong. Anyway thats what I think. Saying that love is the thing that turns your head around makes sense, considering that love is a very powerful emotion. It's [love] one of those things that you have to choose to do. The choice is what gives it its power becasue you have the other choice to walk away from it. When you choose love, you have to change the way that you have been thinking. Being in love or loving something and being negative and negative thinking normally don't go together. I say that but again I could be totally wrong. But I don't think that I am. Love is a positive emotion. When you are in love you feel better about yourself and the things around you. The day is better and nothing could gop wrong. Compared to when you and love really aren't on speaking terms and you hate the way that you look and it seems to rain all the time. Do you see what I mean about the positve thing?

Love however is not an easy emotion to deal or to get along with. It tends to break your heart and if that wasn't bad enough it feels the need to rip it [your heart] out of your chest and run a dagger through it and twist. But your heart doesn't just break when you fall out of or lose love. It breaks [your heart] when you see a mother that is not able to feed her children. When you see a boy on the street that is sent out into a busy street to beg for money just to have someone meaner and bigger than he is take it away from him and then send him back out. It breaks when you have to teach a fifteen year old girl basic kindergarten principles becasue people thought that her time would be better spent cleaning up after them. Indeed lamou vire tet. Turns it around so far that you can't think straight and all you want is for those things to be fixed so they won't cry anymore. But you can't and your heart shatters again and again and again and again and each time it shatters it hurts more and more and more and it doesn't help that love is doing the shattering either. How do you stop that? I can't tell you. I can't stop it. Indeed love turns your head around and I can't stop it.

Reflections?

As the semester draws to a close I have some time to reflect. On what...that is an excellent question. So much has happened. I have done well in my classes which is always good. Normally I come up with a sarcastic list of what I have figured out or learned but there are not many things that I have learned or that I remember learning...

New developments in my life include such things as I am about halfway finished with college, I am going to be turning 20 and I have a boyfriend. I would like to reflect on that last for a second (hahahaha). I haven't had a boyfriend in awhile. It has been at least three years, which is not surprising with my history with guys. I tend to pick the jerks, which is putting it nicely. But Scott is different. He is wonderful actually. He is definitely not the normal everyday guy that I pick. He is really great. He really is great and I like him a lot. There is a lot more said in those statements than you may think. I don't want to say much more about it on here but I just thought that those of you that read and keep up with me would like to know. I am not really sure why I don't want to say more about it on here but I am very happy and maybe there are some other feelings that I am not fully aware of yet...anyway I am going to be 20! No longer a teenager! My mother would like to ignore this fact. I told her that if she chooses to do so it will come as a great shock to her when I turn 21. She said no. She will just ignore that one as well...ok. College is just another word for school. So not much to say there. School is school.

Life in general has been good. I am happy, truly happy, where I am at . which has not been true for a long time. But as they say "Lamou vire tet" (for those of you that read creole...for the rest of you have fun translating...) But it really does. (the translation may need some help because it is not literal...)

Range

I never realized before how dynamic emotions can be. I used to hide them deep down somewhere and then when they were called upon, they were faked. Never the real ones. Showing those you can get hurt. I somehow decided, one day, that I was not going to have emotions or at least not real ones. Getting out of that habit is hard. When it is well practiced it is easy to fall back into. Especially with the people that have hurt you but that you are required to interact with. I was guilty of faking my emotions last month. Its a safety net, a comfort zone. Not one I am proud of but its there. Learning how to have real emotions again has been hard. It is only something that has come about in the last year or so. I have been practicing real emotion. I fear that I am faking it sometimes though. New situations, I fear I am faking it. I am sure that I am not though, but am I? I think that this is real and I pray that this is real. But old habits die hard. Harder than one might think. God has to remind me that my emotions are real because he is real in my life. I am not faking that. I have learned, through God, that my emotions are not fake. New situations, not meant to hurt you. Meant to help me grow. Meant to help me change in a good way. Not meant to hurt me, not meant to fake. I fear that I am though. I know I am not though. Statements that can't be true at the same time but somehow are. Right now.

God reminds me that this all is a learning experience, this life. He reminds me everyday. He has to. I am not good with learning, when change and the unknown is involved. I really don't like the unknown. The known is safe and well known. But the unknown becomes known so I have to be willing to learn. This learning experience called life should be a dynamic and emotional adventure not just one that I sit by and pretend that I is emotional. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to fake it anymore.

I have these emotions for a reason and they are wonderful. I have learned that much. God keep me in check with my emotions and help me not to fake it.

(I am getting a tad to introspective for myself and I find that annoying....so this is a good place to stop....)

Windows to the Soul

Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when we lie.
They show when we cry.
I hide behind these eyes.
Drawing the curtains when people get to close.
Closing the shutters when they try to pry.
I hide behind these windows.
I cry behind these windows.
These eyes of blue and green.
These pools that have been called beautiful.
They may be beautiful but the shutters are closed hiding the sorrow.
Hiding the pain.

Eyes are the window to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when are happy.
They show when we are blissful.
I try to hide behind these eyes.
Trying to draw the curtains when people get to close.
Trying to close the sutters when they pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.
My eyes reveal it all.
They show my emotion.
They show when I cry.
I used to be so good at hiding behind these eyes.
It seems that I can't anymore.
It seems that I don't want to anymore.

Eyes are the windows to the soul.
They show our emotion.
They show when I am happy.
They show when I am sad.
I can't find the curtains when people get to close.
I can't find the shutters when people try to pry.
I can't seem to hide anymore.

What has happened to me?

My Heart As A Room

If you really want to know then read on.

It is dark in here. At least I think it is. Maybe there are just so many walls and boundaries outside that they choke out any light that would dare to venture past them. Music is always playing in here. It varies from day to day, maybe hour to hour but, it never shuts off. It moves me. Most days I can't seem to find a light switch. If I could, I am not sure that I would want to see what was or is in here. I carry and hold so much in this small room that I would need several u-hauls to get it all out. Not several small ones but several big ones. One day as I was fumbling around in the dark, I found the light switch. Right by the door where it always has been. It has never moved so, its not that I couldn't find it. Most days I just don't want to find it. Finding it would require me to deal with the mess inside. Some days I try to clean but by end up with a bigger mess than the one that I started with. Not sure how that happens but it always seems to. The walls are black. Which is not all that unusual. A fire may have swept through here once turning the walls black. That was a long time ago. Now there is just a small candle in the corner. It could still start a fire. No one ever told me how to sustain the initial one so it burnt me out. It was supposed to cleanse but unintentionally left a bigger mess. The candle could still start a fire. It just needs some help. Maybe I'll knock it over when I am ready. There is a man in my room. He is dressed ok. Nothing spectacular but mostly white. I want his sandals. They are pretty cool. He can clearly see that this place is a mess. "It looks like you could use some help?". He walks up to one of the walls and wipes some of the soot and ash away with his hand. "The walls are still good...crazily colored but good." He looks at me and smiles. I am not sure if I can ask this man for help. It is my mess. I should clean it up. Not Him. But he seems persistent about helping. He shows no sign of leaving like the others did. Well they really didn't give any warning. They were just gone one day, leaving holes in the walls. I can see them now that the walls have been wiped down some. I think that this man has been here for a long time. I think that he will stay for much longer. This place is begining to look better. Some of the smaller holes have been patched. It is going to take a little longer for the bigger ones to be patched. They might have to stop hurting first. This man seems to be really good at putting things back where they belong. I know that I never could have. It would have taken a lifetime for me to do it alone. It never would have been done. I am not good at things like that. Things are still a mess in here. There seems to be a method to the madness now though. Some sort of half assed organization is what I can see. There have been additions made to the room over the years. Things that have caused some of the holes to reopen. But in a good way. I thikn that we may have been able to bring a wall or two down around the outsidebut there are so many that it is hard to tell. They have been inspected as of late and we both can see that they were built on cracking foundations or none at all. This cleaning process thing must be one heck of an ongoing process, because it goes very slow and takes a lot of time. I don't mind so much any more though. If it had been fast I am not sure that I would have heald properly in the right areas. As long as this man that has become my friend, my best friend, doesn't leave I think that I can do this and one day this room will be as good as new. Maybe even better. I think that this man has made this room his home. There was a bed under all of the junk. We got rid of the junk that was on the bed. We went through it and decided that I didn't need most of it. There is still a lot that needs to be sifted through. I probably don't need half of it. I should just get rid of it, but He assures me that it needs to be gone through and worked out so it doesn't come back. I have decided to agree. More than half will be gone, now that I think about it. Anyway at least he has a plave to rest now. There is one wall that no matter how many times you wipe the soot and ash away it is always there. Always. When he touches it a white had appears on the wall. Whwn I touch it my hand just gets dirty. It seems that he wipes the wall clean daily. It then becomes clean but by days end it tends to be spotted or completely black again. Sometimes the black seeps into the other walls but, he takes care of that. I like having him around. He can do the things that I can't. Could never do. He tells me that he loves me all of the time. Not in the superficial way that other people seem to do but in a way that makes me tear up adn cry because I know that he means it. And I love him too. More and more each day. I always will. I wish that more guys outside of this room were like him or at least tried to be like him. His love makes me feel like no man will ever be good enough. For He is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. That is why he helps me me clean up my mess of a life. It is really only a room that can be cleaned by him. I could never do it alone. Let alone do it at all. He is happy to help because I chose him and he has always chosen me. No matter what I have done, did, will do, he will never unchoose me. No matter how big my mess gets. There is a map in my room. Red pins indicating where I want to go are all over this map. I don't think that I put them there. I don't remember placing them there. So He must have. Helpful. I know that he will take me to most if not all of these places. When you ask...I don't know. In due time. He will.He promised me a long time ago that he would. The world will one day be my plyground thnks to Him. And I am thankful. We have put many pictures on the walls and they almost cover every empty space on the walls. we have gone to these places together but they are pictures of me and kids that I was only able to meet becasue of him. He has placed in me a love for people even though most days I can't stand people. They are my greatest cause. Always will be. He told me so. I am not sure that he ever leaves this room. That is ok. He keeps me warm and I can always coem and talk to him when I am upset and no one else wants to talk. I like him here. He really listens to me adn I love him for that. This was supposed to be about my room/heart but I guess that without him my room would be dark and odd. No light and not just because of the walls. He makes my room what it is and me what I am. "The walls are good despite all of the hits that they have taken...yes the walls are still good. Interesting choice of paint color.". He makes me laugh and he makes my cry but never in a bad way. He really picked the color for the paint even though he will take no or little credit for it. I am just the creation. The paint was already there when I found out that there was a room in my heart. Some time ago he found another room in my heart. I think that he built it, him being a carpenter and all. He has told me who and what it is for. " Not for your overflow of junk." It is apparently for someone that will coem into my life and occupy a place in my heart just like he does. Maybe my heart is becoming a house with many rooms. Whatever it is, it is an ongoing process and it will never stop as long as the man in the white outfit and awsome sandals has anything to do with my life. So this may have several ammendments whether they are written down or not.