Range

I never realized before how dynamic emotions can be. I used to hide them deep down somewhere and then when they were called upon, they were faked. Never the real ones. Showing those you can get hurt. I somehow decided, one day, that I was not going to have emotions or at least not real ones. Getting out of that habit is hard. When it is well practiced it is easy to fall back into. Especially with the people that have hurt you but that you are required to interact with. I was guilty of faking my emotions last month. Its a safety net, a comfort zone. Not one I am proud of but its there. Learning how to have real emotions again has been hard. It is only something that has come about in the last year or so. I have been practicing real emotion. I fear that I am faking it sometimes though. New situations, I fear I am faking it. I am sure that I am not though, but am I? I think that this is real and I pray that this is real. But old habits die hard. Harder than one might think. God has to remind me that my emotions are real because he is real in my life. I am not faking that. I have learned, through God, that my emotions are not fake. New situations, not meant to hurt you. Meant to help me grow. Meant to help me change in a good way. Not meant to hurt me, not meant to fake. I fear that I am though. I know I am not though. Statements that can't be true at the same time but somehow are. Right now.

God reminds me that this all is a learning experience, this life. He reminds me everyday. He has to. I am not good with learning, when change and the unknown is involved. I really don't like the unknown. The known is safe and well known. But the unknown becomes known so I have to be willing to learn. This learning experience called life should be a dynamic and emotional adventure not just one that I sit by and pretend that I is emotional. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to fake it anymore.

I have these emotions for a reason and they are wonderful. I have learned that much. God keep me in check with my emotions and help me not to fake it.

(I am getting a tad to introspective for myself and I find that annoying....so this is a good place to stop....)