Forgiveness. You here about it all the time. Seemingly from everyone all around you. They say that it is something that needs to be done all the time. God forgives us daily of all the things that we do and we should forgive others of there trespasses against us or something like that. I have been told that if people would forgive each other, that could solve a lot of problems. Now I am not saying that it couldn't but it is easier said than done and I am not going to get into some debate on my blog about it either.
Forgiveness is easier said then done. I have heard all the talk, you know that since I listed it above...haha...anyway, for me it has always been easier said than done. I am not one that is quick to forgive. Never have been and never thought that I would be. I say that I forgive people but then I tend to hold onto it and hide the fact that I do. Not just for a little while but for a long ass time. I hold onto things until it is too hard to forgive and by that time it is to late because it has become a part of me and to let go of it would hurt me in some way more than the original act, that caused the anger, did. Its not the act that I hold onto but the anger that has been given to me by the act. That anger has made me strong and to let go of it is going to make me weak. I have had issuse with being weak. I don't like to feel that way, helpless. That is why I tend to hold onto anger about little, stupid, pointless things. For me unforgiveness has made me selfish. I hold onto the anger to "help" me and to make myself stronger and I don't care who I hurt in the process. I am not sure why I thought that anger made me strong. I said that letting go of the anger would hurt me more than it would help me, which means that it has really been hurting me all along. All the people over my life that have hurt me are nothing compared to the hurt that I have done myself by hanging onto all the anger that I have. It has taken me seventeen years to figure that out. I believe that seventeen years ago is when all my anger issues started. How can that be Alyssa, you were three?? If you know me you would know that my parents got divorced when I was three. Even though I was little and didn't understand what was going on around me, anger crept in and was waiting for me. I have been angry at my dad for leaving all my life and I have been angry at my mom to some degree and I was mad at my step-dad for coming in and closing the door for my dad to ever come back, I was just mad at the world. But to what end is that going to fix anything? It only stresses realationships and makes things difficult and hurts all the parties involved. I have had anger issuses all of my life and have learned how to keep them under control but, I don't just want them to be under control anymore, I want them to go away. Far away. I said that unforgiveness is what has lead me to be angry. Holding onto that anger has made me strong. The truth is that anger has made me weak and crippled me to the point of thinking that I can't let it go without falling apart. It has given me a hard heart that now has beome to heavy to carry anymore. I have to forgive my dad for leaving, I have to forgive my mom for whatever it was that she did in the first place to make me angry, and I have to forgive my step-dad for not doing really anything. I have to forgive all the hurt in my life if I want to move on with my life. And maybe I need to fall apart since I seem like I have everything together. Maybe making a new foundation is better than filling in the cracks with something that is only going to sent them deeper and make them wider.
Things that have recently happened to me have taught me this. I thought that it was stupid to forgive things quickly, only becasue I never have. I am trying to understand how I am able to be quick to forgive but have to say that I really don't becasue I never have really forgiven many things in my life. I mean I have but only after many years and through lots of prayer.
Don't harden your heart.
I won't because a hard heart is to heavy.
(Forgive me if I rambled, I write how I think and I tend to ramble to myself a lot...)
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