So I am pretty sure that raising me was no simple task. Shoot my mom an e-mail and ask her if you like. I have been a headstrong and stubborn all of my life. If you know me now you can attest to the fact that I still am and I don't deny it. I have always also been very independent. I have always wanted to do things for myself and know that I can do it by myself, ask my step-dad, he knows all to well.
Lately I have been reevaluating my headstrong, independent, stubborn ways. I believe that I was born that way or maybe I can blame my mother cause she is the same way. I think that I have been reevaluating the independent part more than the other two. I have know that I can do things myself my entire life and don't tell me that I can't do something. I will either prove you wrong or hurt myself trying. Telling me I can't do something is like challenging me. I automatically go "uh-huh...watch me." Good attitude towards some things but not towards others. I think that I have taken it to the point of thinking I can do things without God. If you know me you know that I love God with all my heart and you can see that in my life. I try to do things with God but then just end up doing it on my own.
As of late I have been dreaming a lot again. Most people dream about simple things and they don't wake up from their dreams going "What the @$%& was that all about?" And then you try to figure it out and you have to ask someone because God won't let you go Lone Ranger and figure it out on your own. Anyway my dreams are certifiably insane. If people knew half of my dreams they might begin to question my sanity. The other night I had a crazy ass dream and I don't want to go into details but the name Gideon came up. I like that name, I want to name one of my kids that one day. The dream involves me having a baby and his name is Gideon. Well I have asked a couple people about it and the general consensus is that I am Gideon but I am also myself in the dream (If you want to know about the dream feel free to ask...). Curiosity peeked by this consensus I have been researching about Gideon. Well he was the guy with the fleece...right? He was really much more than that.
Gideon was called a mighty man of valor by God. It seems like God is mocking him because Gideon is a poor farmer and his family was the least in the Manasseh. I mean dead last. And he was the youngest and the weakest. God told him that he would deliver Israel from Midian. Well needless to say he was a little ummm how shall I put this...unbelieving. He didn't exactly think that God was with his people anymore and thought that God had forsaken them. I have been reading this study that I printed out and it says that God know that He can and will deliver them, but He is firstly interested that they see what the root cause of their bondage is so that they don't have to keep the cycle of sin and repentance going. And Baal was the problem and so were the Midianites. And to make a long stroy short (if you want the long version, Judges chapters 6-8) he delivers the Israelites from Baal and the Midianites.
Reading this study, I realize that the consensus about my dream is probably true. I can identify with Gideon. He is weak, humble and sometimes fearful of the things that God has called him to do. Aren't we all? But I have ben that way for a long time. I am humble in the fact that I know God is doing things threw me and not the other way around. But the weakness part is hard for me. I know that I am weak but that is one thing I will never admit or never used to. I have found myself in a place that I am not sure how I got here. Just like Gideon I have been asking "God if you are with me then where the hell are you exactly??" And you know my world has kinda been rocke the last couple of weeks not just with things that hurt but all of the aspects of my life. All of the ways I have been doing things and how I am are being rocked. God hasn't exactly answered my questions, just like he didn't exactly answer Gideon's. I am more or less hearing shut up and wait. And or fear of this getting to long I am going to have to just say that it was not an easy task to raise me and now God is changing me. He is re-raising me to be a Gideon. He is raising me up to do the things that he has called me to do. He had to take all the things that distract me away from me to show me that. God has to sometimes has to do things in a painful way to get you to listen to him. So now I unnderstand this summer a little more I guess and am just going to try to listen and wait....
(Again forgive me if I rambled but its my blog...)
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