Birthing Gideon Part 2

Before all of this changing stuff started I had become really sarcastic. Not that I am not sarcastic by nature but I had become mean sarcastic. Maybe just flat out mean. Not mean to everyone but I had my moments where I was not who I wanted to be and didn't know that to do. I just fell back into my default and you know I can fake it with the best of them. I can hide it all and act like I am ok and I can fool all the people around me. No one ever knows what it really just below the surface. I have met maybe three people that can see below the surface and one of them is my mom...she grew up with me and she knows me very well. Anyway, I had become this person that I did not want to be and I was unaware how I got there. I didn't want to be there. Then I began to have insane dreams and it was all pulled out from under me and I began to realize things about me and why I was where I was.

So this idea of a broken little girl has been here for a long time. I am not really sure when I realized that all I really am is a broken little girl. But I have been for a long time now. I put on a great front, even to myself. I am not all that I thought I was...well I am all that I thought I was just didn't have it all together like I thought I did and probably a lot of people thought I did. I am weak. I am frail. I am angry. I thought that the anger made me strong and held me up. I was wrong. It made me weaker and drug me down. Like I have said before that anger shattered me and harmed me more than it helped me. My life has not been hard by any means. But when you have daddy issues that gives you a whole new gambit of issues that you discover through the years. Its kinda like getting that sweater at Christmas that you want to return but you can't because it will hurt someone's feelings. I think that is exactly like that actually. You want to work the issues out but that involves hurting someone's feelings. Not to mention yours. You step on their feelings and they step on yours and you do it until the issues are worked out. Only right now I am stepping, no, stomping on my own toes. And it hurts like hell. But you know these issues have to be worked out if I want to heal and not be this broken little girl that I have been for a long time.

(Not sure that it makes sense but I needed to get this out of my brain...)